One Year Later...

Well, it's been a year since I lost my little Harper.  One year since my third miscarriage, and it will be 3 years on the 31st since the loss of my second miscarriage.  It's not been the easiest road this year.  I have been trying my hardest to let the past go, and move on with the future; but I don't think I am succeeding that well.  Though, I must admit that a lot has changed in the last year. I have opened a business, moved into a new house, inherited two new dogs, and pondered what life's next move is.   

I have realized that I think I am really going through some kind of small depression, and with that an anger and sadness that sometimes gets the better of me.  The whole holiday season has really gotten the better of me.  It's been a trial to see all of the happy little families and their Christmas posts, seeing the more and more pregnancy announcements, and so on.  Some days, I have had to remind myself that more than once life goes on.  Other times, I find myself angry and wanting to lash out at people for no reason, and I am really not that type of person.  I especially feel terrible when the lashing out is focused on my family; the ones that have been through all of this pain with me, and who have been strong for me.  I want to focus my pain at something that might actually be a benefit, which I have been looking into.

I have been looking back to all of the health problems and treatment I have endured since I was first diagnosed with Endometriosis at 16.  I have had 5 laparoscopies to remove the endo, numerous procedures and tests to try and check my fertility status, had my gall bladder removed, bone loss treatments, anemia troubles, gluten troubles, and more rounds of Depot Lupron  than I can count. Looking back at all of these problems, I have been trying to research everything about my condition, and how fertility treatments, like IVF, can help...or not.  

One thing since my endo diagnosis seems to be popping up with almost all of the problems that I have faced in the last 15 years.  The Lupron shots that I was placed on at the age of 17.  I have probably had at least 30 to 45 depot shots in my lifetime, and looking back on my health problems, it seems that many of them started after my first few sessions with Lupron.  My bone loss and digestive problems all started in my early 20s, and have only gotten worse over time.  I lost my gall bladder in 2009, which only seemed to bring on more problems. 

Since looking at all of my health problems, and realizing that most started after my Lupron therapy, I have been researching Lupron and the many problems and side effects.  It seems that most of my problems, including bone loss, gall stones, and eventual gall bladder removal are all tied to Lupron.  

This isn't even to mention the fact that after my decision to completely stop Lupron treatment, my body wouldn't even ovulate for who knows how long.  After the doctors figured out that I wasn't ovulating, they tried using Clomid to encourage ovulation...after 6 months, I still wasn't ovulating and decided to let my body recover on its own (Hence why my first pregnancy was a shocker).  

With all of this new information in my head, I have decided whom I want to be angry with.  The makers of Depot Lupron, and the doctors that insisted that this was the best course of action.  If not for this medication, what shape might my body be in today?  Would I already have healthy children?  Would I have a gall bladder?  Would my body have not been so ransacked and problem ridden if it hadn't been pumped with so many hormones and chemicals?   Based on my research...at least most of these answers would seem to lead to yes.  And because of this...I intend to speak to a lawyer as soon as possible.  

I am normally a person that feels that there are too many lawsuits in the world, but in this instance I think it might be different.  If this company had given clearer warnings of its side effects, I don't think that my mother or I would have even considered this treatment.  I would have much rather endured more surgeries, etc... than to suffer such painful losses and health issues.

So, on this one year anniversary of the loss of my precious Harper, I am making my resolution to take on Depot Lupron.  For the life I might have had, for my babies I lost, and for the hope of preventing more women from suffering all of the horrible side effects that come with this drug.  If you have taken Lupron, or know someone who has, and have had bad repercussions from the drug...please feel free to let me know.  Or if you stumble onto some valuable websites that I may not have found, please share them with me.

P.S. My other New Year's Resolution is to post here more often.  And thanks for still checking in, even while I have been absent, and going though this funk.  I hope everyone has had a good holiday season, and we all have a great 2014.

And I'm not alone...

Thank you to all of the people that have been reading my blog.  I won't say it feels good to have you; because that means that most of you have either had a miscarriage, or that someone that is important to you has.  I will just say that I feel less alone.  We are all part of the Angel making club, and no we don't have a secret handshake.

Well, the husband and I have gotten our business open, and we are already bringing in business.  We are in mid move, which means that ALL of the stuff I want always seems to be where ever I'm not.  AND... I just celebrated endured another birthday. Yeah, once I hit 29 it was all down hill!  LOL.  So a lot has gone on, and I have barely had time to keep up.  Only once did I really slip and let myself dwell on the bad.

It hit me like a ton of bricks a couple of weeks ago.  It was early September, and I realized that my first babies, my twins, would have been turning four at about that time... and that I would have also had a two-year-old, and a newborn.  It was hard for a few hours; but I let myself feel the pain, I told the their momma loved them still, and that one day I will see them again.  After that, I picked myself up and moved on.

I can only hope that one or more of my babies will choose to come back to me in this life, and if it's not meant to be... then I have some beautiful guardian angels looking out for me.  It makes me realize how blessed I am that I have so many people and angels that care about me in this life.  And, I also have hundreds more that understand what I am going though, which form a world wide community of understanding.

I know we are all hurt by the loss of our precious angels, but we do have our memories of the joy we felt for them (even if it is tinged with sadness).  Most of us have supportive family and friends, that are there for us during our rough patches of healing.  We have hope of future pregnancy and parenting success.  Not to mention, we have each other. We have something our mothers didn't have.  Miscarriage and infertility are not as taboo as they were just a decade ago.  We have the ability to speak out, connect with others that know our pain, and embrace the roles of mothers... having to live life without their children.  And I am not alone...

Trying Not To Miss My Winged Babies Too Much...

I know it's been a good while since I have written, again.  I have kept myself as busy as possible this summer.  I haven't wanted to let myself think too much on the negative. So, I have been throwing myself head first into helping my husband open his own business.  I admit that it has helped me to keep my mind from straying to sad things most of the time, but it hasn't worked 100% of the time.  In those times that keeping busy hasn't kept my mind from wandering, I have realized that all of the babies that were conceived around the time of my little Harper are now born.  

Knowing that my baby should be in my arms now hurts, and I miss her as much today as I did the day I had to say goodbye.  It also makes me miss my other sweet angels.  I can only hope that they know how much I miss and love them, and that I always will.  They were loved and wanted from before they were even conceived.  At least they have the comfort in each other, since they weren't able to be with me.  And I can hope and pray that at least one or two of them are given the chance to try and come back to me in this life.  Until then, I will throw myself into my husband and our business.

Opening a business from scratch has been an exciting, albeit trying, time in my life.  Even though I studied some business in College (University), I didn't realize how many hoops a person must jump through just to open the doors.  There is so much paperwork, licenses, accounting, purchasing, etc. that sometimes I lose track of what needs to be done next.  All I can say is that it will all be worth it once we are open for business, and making it truly successful will open up a whole new world for our family.  Making a successful business will allow us to really start to pursue IVF, buy our dream house, be closer to our family members, and so much more.

So here I go; back into paperwork and projects.  Wish us luck, and pray that we find success.  I will get these doors open, and try not to focus on missing my winged babies too much.

And Time Keeps Passing...

I know it's been a while since I have last posted, but I have been trying to keep my mind from painful thoughts.  I have driven myself into my work, and in the interim I have been numbing my mind with catching up on various television shows that I had fallen behind on.  I have been doing everything possible to keep my mind from straying to the fact that my baby, my sweet little Harper, would have been born at any time in the next few weeks.  But time keeps passing, and even though the pain had eased for a while, it seems to be back with a vengeance.  

My precious little baby girl would be considered full term by now, and I should have been in full preparation mode for her arrival... but instead, I am mourning her, and my other babies all over again.  I am still trying to conceive on my own again, and and nothing happens.  I don't even feel like trying anymore.  

I still wish to pursue IVF, but that takes money that isn't available for us right now.  So, I seem to be at a stalemate.  No baby without IVF, and no money to have IVF.  Maybe I am to be relegated to the never a mother group.  Maybe my family's lineage is to end with me.  If that is the way it is to be, then I have a lot that will need to be reevaluated in my life.  

All I have ever really wanted to be was a mother... everything else I ever wanted revolved around that, or was icing on the cake to parenthood.  What will my life become, if it is not to be a mother?  All I can hope for is that fate still has a plan for me to be a mother.

I feel as if my life is in limbo, waiting to know what fate will hold for me.  Raising a family, or being childless.  All the while morning the angels that I have lost.  I feel myself slipping further, and I know I must fight the pain.  I must fight to be the person I am meant to be, with or without children, but how to do that is the question.  And time keeps passing,  and I cannot slow it down, let alone stop it.

Decisions and Collateral Damage...

I feel terrible that I have been away from the blog for so long, but as I've said before (and I will probably say again) life sometimes gets in the way of doing what you want to do.  Please know that I will not abandon my blog without announcing it to the world.  Recently, life has been coming at me from all angles.  Job problems and opportunities have arisen,  family strife has occurred, and through all of this , decisions for my life must be made.

My husband was supposed to leave for work a week ago, but I had an intuition that he needed to wait.  We want to pursue IVF, so we can't afford to loose money where work is involved.  If we loose money, that is the longer we have to wait before we can really try and start our family.  It turned out to be a decent call.  Pricing within our business hasn't gone up enough, so we are waiting on a call back from the boss to help to determine where we will go from here.

Since I asked him to hold off on going back to work, I was able to explore some possible career opportunities for myself... which might better us in the long run.  We lost the bid on the house that we wanted to buy in central Florida, so we have been looking into new areas to move.  I happened to get a job interview that is farther away from my family, but blessedly still in Florida.  I wasn't offered the permanent position, but as a substitute with a good possibility for a regular position the following year.  A decision that I am still working.

While we were in Florida for my job interview, we were able to stop by and see some of Vin's family and friends.  It was the first time I have had the chance to meet them, and it was definitely an eye opening experience to see where the hub's has come from and why he is who he is.  By mutual decision, we decided to keep our trip into Florida quiet, because there were other relatives that we weren't keen on seeing.  We know that these people will soon find out that we were within miles of them, and there will be anger and complaints from several sides... but it is our freewill to avoid those people in our lives that cause only trouble and heartache.  Collateral damage happens, and you have to be prepared to live with the outcomes of those choices... and we are.

To add one more positive for keeping the hubby home is that there happens to be an infertility seminar that we are going to be attending in 12 more hours.  It will really give us a chance to ask questions about our fertility options, and get a lot more answers.  On top of it all, they will be giving away a chance for a free IVF cycle. I know it's a small shot, but what do we have to lose!

I hate to bring up past decisions, but this one has given me the most pain and collateral damage that I have experienced in a while.  As I have said, it been a slow healing process since my miscarriage, and though I am  getting better... it can still be a struggle every day.  A decision I chose to make when Vin and I went to visit my family in Ft. Lauderdale last month has caused a bit of strife in my family.  I made a decision to not see a member of my family that had recently announced that she was pregnant.  I tried to explain to the rest of the family that I was not in a healthy enough mental state to be around ANYONE that is pregnant, and to please excuse and explain my choice to that member of the family.  I didn't want to feel the pain of my miscarriage by being around her, and I also did not want to lash out in pain and upset her.  I even sent a gift to try and make up for my absence.  I had to make a decision that saved myself from pain, and I still stand by that decision.  

Well, she has since de-friended me on Facebook, and was even uncivil to my mother over it.  She said that I was rude for avoiding her, and that my "circumstances" weren't  excuse enough.  In addition, she did this on Facebook  where I was unable to defend my position.  Let me add that she never bothers to contact me... ever, let alone to make an effort to see me while I was in town. It's not like I had intentions of avoiding her forever, but I was definitely not in a good enough place to put myself in such a painful position.  The backlash from this drama has the potential to cause enough collateral damage to tear apart a family.  I'm sorry if it happens, and I will try to fix as much as I can.  I will say that I am sorry that I hurt her feelings, but I will not apologize for actually putting my own well being first  for once in my life. 

We are all human; born with freewill to make our own accomplishment and mistakes in our lives.  There might be positive outcomes or terrible collateral damage that comes from the choices we make in life. Those who are wise will learn from those decisions and mistakes. Some choices you might regret and some you won't; and sometimes you have to stand by your decision.  Brace yourself, and take the collateral damage that comes.  For me, I will deal with my past, but for the moment I will focus on the decisions that will hopefully lead me to creating our own family.

Crazy Times...

Hello friends.  It's been a while.  I have missed writing, and am happy to finally have some time to put the proverbial pen to paper.  This time of year always seems to be a busy time.  With completing my taxes, doing insurance stuff, and trying to buy a house, etc... I have been lucky to get a few hours of sleep a day.  On top of it all, my husband shocked me with a surprise visit!

I've been whining a lot to Vin that there has been so much going on at home that I haven't been readily able to do, and he has been away from home for work, that his " honey-do" list has become a mile long.  Yet, he hasn't spent more than a few days at home since the beginning of the year.  Well, instead of heading to his company's new location, he stopped at home for a  few days.  Not only did my amazing husband detour for me... he completely kept me in the dark up until the moment he knocked on the back door!  Usually Vin is terrible about keeping a surprise from me, but this time was a total success.  

My hubby must be trying to get a nomination for the best husband of the year award or something (he has my vote; always did!), because he was barely in the door and was already attacking my honey-do list!  He replaced the laundry room lights that I kept forgetting to go to the hardware store for (had been out for a month), fixed the leaky tub faucet and got a better shower head, sprayed the yard and treated the house against fleas, moved a bunch of our prepacked boxes (for when we buy our house) out of the way, got a whole new entertainment center set up so we could actually have room for for our flat screen TV  and a ton more that I cannot even remember.  All I had to do in return for his hard work was his laundry... boy did I get the easy side of the deal.

I haven't let him work the entire time he has been home, though.  We have hung out with friends, done some shopping, had cuddle time, played XBOX (I watched, he played.), and even found the time to take our fur-babies to the park for an annual fundraiser.  

Puppy Kissing Both!

I had to get a kiss from this cutie!

Every year, our local humane society and animal rescues host an event called "Bark in the Park."  There was food, raffle prizes, music, and a kissing booth!  I do miss the dog contests though.  They used to give awards for best pet costume, best trick, etc.  We settled for buying raffle tickets since there was no pet contest, and WOW!... the raffle contest paid off for us this year.  We won an entire Georgia Pecan Company gift basket, a love your pup prize pack, and a handmade (6 ft tall) gun cabinet.  Vin is totally stoked over the gun cabinet!  We also got to spend some quality time with out dogs, which was much needed.  Vin even taught our dog Junior how to cross a creek...LOL.

One of the highlights of the event was meeting a woman who happened to be 19 weeks pregnant with twins.  Initially I was cringing while in close proximity, but after taking to her for a few minutes I found out we had a similar pregnancy and infertility past.  This woman has endometriosis, has had previous miscarriages, and had decided on IVF.  On her first try, they have been able to get pregnant...with twin boy and girl.  She talked to me about the process, answered some of my questions, and gave me hope that IVF can work for us.  We even swapped numbers so that I could call her with any other questions that I might have.

Vin teaching our Junior to walk a creek at Bark in the Park.

As always though, all good things must come to an end.  After having Vin here for more than a week, it's almost time for him to head back to work.  He will be leaving on Saturday, and I will be a bit cranky over it.  But, as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder.  Hopefully, I will be returning to work soon, and then we will get to reside in the same state again.  Not only that, but we hope to be able to buy our dream house at auction next week... so (if we are very lucky), the next time he comes home for a visit, it will be to our new house.  Wish us luck!

Rising From The Ashes...

Just a quick forward... This post does contain a bit about religion, and even some alternate though... In case you are not comfortable with this topic.

Happy belated Easter to All of the Christians, and Happy Belated Passover to all of the Jewish population; for all the rest that may read this blog... I hope that you are entering the month of April happy and healthy.  For my household, Easter was a quiet event, with a few giggles here and there, that just happened to contain a small epiphany for me. 

This is what had me cracking up.

As I have mentioned before, my husband works out of town.  So, with our recent trip to Florida, it meant that we had to be separated for this holiday weekend.  Hence, the pretty quiet weekend; it was just my Mom, the fur-babies, and me.  Not to mention, the house had a stomach bug (even the animals had upset tummies).  Needless to say, there was a lot of Pinteresting, television, books, and Facebooking going on.  

The fun part of the weekend came early on.  My mother happened to come across quite a funny meme on Pinterest.  It definitely made me laugh.  Nothing like being able to find a bit of humor in a crappy situation!  I also found some great projects that I can't wait to try, as soon as we have a new home to try them on.  On top of it all, I saw some great Easter and inspirational pins on Pinterest... and saw some of them again on Facebook.

Here is a stained glass window
of Jesus and Mary Magdalene
that can be found on the Isle of
Mull in Scotland. Notice the swollen
Belly.

My epiphany came later in the weekend, but at least one came.  I happen to be friends (and not just her "like" page) with my favorite author on Facebook, Kathleen McGowan.  Some of her posts can really bring life into focus for me.  Because of the Easter holiday, she was posting up bits of her book The Expected One on her page, and adding a bit of a more recent perspective to the excerpts.  Kathleen's book is about the relationship and marriage between Mary Magdalene and Jesus.  It is an amazing book, and she has put decades worth of research to her work.  Anyway, she recently lost her husband, Filip (a.k.a. Philip) Coppens, to cancer.  Some may have known Filip from his work on the History Channel's Ancient Aliens.  Kathleen's posts this week had a lot of reflection on better understanding the trials of the Magdalene following the death of Jesus, how Mary had to keep moving forward with her life and spreading the word of her husband; and how Kathleen's own widowhood has affected how she sees her own work.  In simple terms... Life cannot stop after tragedy.  

After seeing Kathleen's posts and thinking about Jesus's Resurrection, it lead me to a new train of though.  Spring.  Spring, like the resurrection, is a time of rebirth.  Plants begin to regrow, animals come out of hibernation, new animals are being born, and life begins anew.  Autumn may be a time of shedding the dead weight and Winter is the time of slumber,  but Spring is the time that the world come back to life after being dormant.  As a phoenix rises from the ashes, so does the Earth come back to life from the cold.  

All of this led me to the thought that this is my time to rise from my own proverbial slumber.  It's time to begin anew.  Every day may be the first day of the rest of our lives, but this weekend is a fine reminder that as a human, with freewill, we always have the ability to pull ourselves up from tragedy.   I know that this thought may seem obvious to most, and I have already told myself that I need to move on.  But, reflecting on the events of Easter has put my emotions and freewill into better perspective.   I know it's not easy, and I know that I will struggle (and I already have been struggling)... but if I don't rise from my own ashes, I may not be able to achieve my dreams.

Once Again, I have no intention to offend anyone with any discussion about religion.  I believe in accepting all people from all cultures and religions.  This is just my beliefs, and my epiphany.  Love to all!

Sometimes Music Gets You Through...

It's been a bit of a stressful week in my household.  As the saying goes, it always seems that when it rains, it pours; and it has been pouring, both figuratively and literally at my house.  Between preparing taxes, trying to buy a new house, Vin's work moving locations, changing health insurance, horrible weather, and the normal craziness that occurs; we've been a bit overwhelmed as of lately.  So what do I do when I am getting too stresses?  Listen to music.

I grew up in a household where music was a way of life.  My mother clung to her older "hippie music" as I called it, and my father was a Disc Jockey.  Instead of traditional stories and lullabies, I was told about the Beatles and Journey, and sung songs like "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" and "Mighty Quinn."  My parents had a deep love for lyrics and melodies, and I inherited that trait. Because of their tutelage, I found my own love of and expression through music.

Sometimes music really does get you through the rough patches.  I am a firm believer that once in a while you just need to put the headphones on, turn up the music, and let the emotions flow.  Whether it be sitting there crying to sad songs, or dancing around the room to a hit; it helps to express your feelings.  And there is always the right song for every mood!

During my miscarriage, I balled my eyes out to the Fray a LOT!  "You Found Me" held a lot of meaning for me.  I was begging my baby to hang on and find me.  I still well up when this song comes on my playlist, but even though I still get a bit emotional with this song... it's good.  Mayday Parade also helped during those early days, whether it was crying to "Walk On Water Or Drown," or trying to cheer myself up with "Jamie All Over" which happens to be one of Hub's and my songs.

Now that I am at least to the anger part of the healing, I am leaning more towards a bit harder forms of rock.  Some big ones on my playlist right now are Three Days Grace (3DG), Breaking Benjamin (BB), and Imagine Dragons.  I have always loved 3DG; so many of their songs hold meaning for me, and they always help me get my aggression out.  So many times, I have found the words to express my emotions through 3DG.

Now some my laugh at me,  but Breaking Benjamin's "Diary of Jane" has always been a special song of mine.  My husband used to say that this was his song to me when I was keeping him in the "friend zone," but now we have found a new meaning for this song. Our new interpretation to this song has become trying to have that Child, to be in that "diary."  If you know this song, you can see our meaning.  Always struggling, never getting in.

Finally, another band that has recently caught my ear is Imagine Dragons.  "Radioactive" has newly become my personal battle cry for my loss.  If you haven't heard it... listen to it.  The lyrics discuss waking up to "ash and dust,"  how this must be an apocalypse, and revolution against it.  For some reason, this completely describes how I am getting through since waking up after having to go through my D&C.  I woke up to a different world, in my own "apocalypse," and that with everything that has change for the worse... I am on my own revolution, and I will fight for my dreams.

With all the stress life has brought on lately, stress has been a close companion.  Thank God my MP3 player and headphones have been there too.  I would be in a lot fouler of a mood if it weren't for my music.  If you feel up to it, let me know what music speaks to you.

It's The Little Things...

I don't know why, but it's the little things that seem to affect me the most these days.  I'm not crying when I see pictures of newborns (even my new nephew), I'm not in misery when I see a pregnant belly, and I can pretty much deal with all of the "new mom" and "pregnant" posts.  It's the things that may not have anything pregnancy related, or the things I don't expect that are catching off guard me these days.

This is the bittersweet image.

One simple thing that got me today was an image on Pinterest.  I had searched "labyrinth," because I love meditating and praying within them.  Because of my love for these, my husband, Vin,  had said that he would create one for me when we get our house; so I was looking at different designs.  Little did I expect to see an image of a labyrinth done as a womb, and having a baby as the center.  It was a sad image for me; but as I continued to look at it, I found new hope.  For me, I saw a path I must walk before I find my reward waiting for me at the center.  It may be a long path, and I may feel like I am walking the wrong direction; but if the path is still under my feet, then the prize is still at the end of the path.

Another little thing that recently knocked the breath from me were some lyrics that a dear friend of mine tagged me with on Facebook.  My friend posted these Lyrics to me because he was one of just a small handful of people that have been there through each of my pregnancies.  He also happened to be the ONE person I hadn't had the chance to inform of my miscarriage.  My friend posted these lyrics because he felt that they summed up the joy I felt when I had told him we were expecting, again.  The lyrics were from a song called "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri.  Here are some of the lines:

I have died everyday waiting for you!Darlin' don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years! I'll love you for a thousand more!And all along I believed I would find you! Time has brought your heart to me!I have loved you for a thousand yearsI'll love you for a thousand more!

I totally understood why he had posted these lyrics for me, but I also felt my heart skip a beat from the pain.  Then came the hard part of actually telling him about our loss.  I know that one day I will be able to look at these lyrics and feel the joy from them, but for now I can just grit my teeth to the pain.  That pain was ground a little deeper when my husband saw the same post.

My husband, who is the emotional strength of the relationship, is finally breaking his shell about our miscarriages.  Vin has been by my side to wipe and kiss away every tear, made me laugh when I thought it wasn't possible, he has help me through both the emotional and physical pain, and has even carried my weakened  body to the doctor when there were physical complications.  He is one of the most amazing people I know, and sometimes I think he knows me better that I know myself.  I understood that he has suffered with each miscarriage as I have, but I didn't know how much he is still suffering.

My rock, my protector, my love.

Over the last few months, we have been discussing fertility treatments, including IVF.  It was never a top choice for us, because we felt that it might be messing too much with Fate (i.e. God's plan); but recently, we have been weighing that option a bit more.  Well today, Vin brought up wanting to explore that path, and possibly quit trying on our own.  

***As a little side note, my husband works for a construction company that moves around the country.  I used to work at the same company, but took time off when I found out I was pregnant and work was slow, and just haven't had the heart to go back yet.  We are currently separated by a seven hour drive, but I usually spend a month with him and then a month at home.  Well, all of the driving by myself has really been weighing on me (Yeah, I really don't like interstates, especially alone.), and I get a bit cranky when it's about that time to make the drive.  Not to mention, the company is about to expand into a new area, which will put Vin even farther away from home. ***

I was shocked by my husband's statement, and questioned the basis behind his feelings.  He actually admitted how much he has been suffering with me.  As it turns out, each miscarriage  broke his heart (I kind of knew this.), and every subsequent month that we don't get pregnant compounds the pain further (Didn't know this one.).  And as he continued, he explained that he was tired of trying so hard, when we still have not had success; adding that it's only going to be harder as work brings him farther away from home. 

Hearing Vin's misery in feeling like a failure was a breaking point.  I had been getting better, and I assumed (by his usual banter and actions) that he was on the ups as well.  I guess he just masks his pain better than I do.  

We have been through so much struggle during our expanding relationship, but as long as we get though it together and we come out stronger, we will deal with the rocky roads of life.  So, I really don't care what method our children come from, as long as we get to have some.  I guess it's time to sit down, and really decide which path is best for US.

Beating The Baby Blues...

Here is my continuation of my accidentally deleted post from last week.  I promise to never let that happen again...

As noted in my last post, I recently spent a week in Florida.  It was mainly a house hunting trip, but I also got to spend time with family and friends that I hadn't seen in a while.  I was able to keep busy, and found many distractions to beat the baby blues.

The first three days of our trip were spent house hunting in Central Florida.  Lots of driving around and getting lost, but Vin and I think we found our perfect home.  The best perks of the house have to be location, neighbors, and most of all the low price.  It is a fixer upper, but we are up for the challenge.  One of the highlights of our time spent in Central Florida was the peaceful atmosphere in the lakes area, which gave us time to relax.  Thanks to my Aunt and Uncle for letting us stay in their lake house while we were there!

After house hunting, the hubs and I proceeded south to see our friends and family in Fort Lauderdale (FtL).  We started our first afternoon in town with a quick trip to my cousin's, and then having a nice dinner with my former stepmother.  It had been years since I had seen either of these family members, and I was glad to have the time to catch up.  Our night ended with a quick hug for my dad, and an early night to bed.

I love being on the water!

Our second day in FtL was spent at one of my favorite places in South Florida...Sawgrass Mills Mall!  Vin would have been miserable there, except he found an entire store of his favorite brand...Hurley!  The hubs found his clothing heaven.  I should have gotten a picture, but I didn't.  Once we shopped til we dropped, we met up with my dad for a boat ride, and dinner on the water.  I always forget how much of the sea is in my veins, until I get on a boat.  Dinner was also a definite high point.  Vin decided to attempt the burger challenge that the restaurant had, a whole pound and a half hamburger and a large side of fries, and he conquered it...with an agonizing effort.  I must say, if you are ever visiting South Florida, make a stop at the Downtowner... they have some tasty food. And since we took a boat to dinner, it meant a boat ride home... My Dad was definitely worried about the cleanliness of his boat with the Hub's full stomach!  But my dad forgets, that like us, Vin grew up on the water in Florida.

Missing that Pineapple Drink!
What a goofy Face, Vin!

 Our third day was a Friday, so we were in total TGIF mode.  I was feeling great by this point because I hadn't been on Facebook in days (so I wasn't seeing baby announcements), we were staying busy, and we were having fun... which all lead to not thinking about my miscarriage or obsessively trying to conceive.  Vin wanted to take a drive, so we rode along A1A (for those that don't know, it rides along the beach).  I was able to show him things from my past, and we had a good time.  While driving, we made the decision to go to happy hour at a long honored establishment in FtL, the Mai-Kai.  So we did a quick shop for appropriate clothing, and called and invited my cousin.

Boy, the beach was windy!
 

The Mai-Kai has a long history in FtL, and in my family.  It was one of the places to see and be seen from it's opening in the 50s or 60s until the early 80s.  Many celebrities have visited (Like Jerry Lewis and the Prince of Monaco), and my family got to meet them all. My grandmother was the gift shop manager, and most of my family worked there at one point in time or another.  My parents even got married in the Mai-Kai's gardens.  Now though, it's a bit run down and feels like a time warp, but I hadn't ever been there and really wanted to see it for myself.  The start to the Mai-Kai was a bit bad, the host gave us some issues about our out of state identifications, but we still managed to have fun.  We had our drinks (which I am still craving another), walked the gardens, and giggled about the atmosphere.  This is another place that should be seen, even if just for a chuckle.  We finished off the night with a walk on the beach, and hanging out at my cousin's house.  

Ren Fest!!!

I know it will sound dorky to some, but Saturday was spent at the Florida Renaissance Festival with the hubs, my cousin, and her husband.  We have always had fun at Ren Faires, and this day was no exception.  The cider, mead, and beer were tasty; the costumes were awesome (though we went in modern attire this time); the shows were hysterical; and a good time was had by all.  Though everyone needed a rest after the walking.  Vin had been wanting to go to a Dave & Busters for a while now, and with $50 that was magically found in a drawer of a curio that my grandmother left me (Thanks Grandma! Even though you are not with me, you're still looking out for me!), we spent our evening at D&B.  To anyone who doesn't know what a D&B is... It's a restaurant with a huge arcade in it, a.k.a. an over sized Chuck E. Cheese.  I know the hubs had fun, and I had a good time watching him.  My favorite part of the night had to be our midnight dinner at a little diner, and thanks to the stupid American daylight Savings time change...we didn't get home until 3 am.  It was TOTALLY worth it.

Yeah, I know I look like my Dad...

Sunday was our final day in town, and we began it by spending time with my Dad while we set up for my stepmother's surprise birthday party.  After setting up, we ran some errands, and said our goodbyes to my cousin.  Vin and I made it back to my Dad's in time to make a casually late entrance to the party.  One highlight to the party, I FINALLY got to meet two out of three of my step brothers.  I also got to meet my step sister-in-law, which was bittersweet.  She is another woman who has been through miscarriage, one just a couple of months ago, but she also has a son that would be right about the same age as my second pregnancy loss.  As I said, it was bittersweet... but at least the party was a hit, and my step mom was happy.  As soon as the party was over at around 7 or 8 at night, Vin and I hit the sac.  He had a 7 AM flight out of Orlando to go back to work, and that meant that we had a 4 hour drive to Orlando to make in the middle of the night.  At least it gave us plenty of time to chit-chat on the road.

The trip really helped my emotional state, and has truly improved my mood.  I still feel the twinges, but they seem to be easier to deal with at the moment.  I totally recommend taking a trip to anyone needing to escape the baby blues.  Even if it's only temporary, it helps.  Now, I just need to work on getting everything in order to buy our house.  Wish me luck.

The Lucky Ju-ju...

 I accidentally deleted my post last night...my bad.  So, I am having to rewrite it, and will be breaking it into two parts instead.  And... take two!

Sorry it has been so long between posts, but the hubs and I have been on a whirlwind trip all over Florida.  We have every intention of moving back to our home state as soon as possible, and went down to look for a house.  We also had some great stops along the way, and got to see my family that I haven't seen in a long time.

Definitely not a good pic of me, but you get the point.

We all have our little good luck charms; our ju-jus. My husband, Vin, and I have been house shopping in Florida this week, and we made a little detour to Orlando to rub on some fertility statues.  I know it sounds funny, and it probably won't help a wink; but we decided that it couldn't hurt to stop by and pay our respects.  

As a matter of fact, my mother touched a fertility statue not long before I was conceived.  On top of that, my best friend (a.k.a my sister) happened to brush against this very statue almost exactly 12 years ago.  Bada-bing... My godson just turned 11 in January.  Bring on the good luck ju-ju.

It's great of Ripley's Orlando to have these statues out in the front lobby.  They honestly believe that they work so well that they leave them readily available to those who will make a pilgramage to Orlando just to see these guys.  If you need a little ju-ju; and happen to be heading towards Orlando, Florida; then it might not hurt to give these guys a little touch.  And since they are in the front lobby, it's free! Oh, and don't forget to have your man rub on the statues as well!  I will definitely let you know if the statue works.

We were only with the statues for a few minutes (hope it was enough), but we were on a time crunch.  We had house shopping to attend to! 

Speaking Out...

It feels good to finally be able to vocalize (for lack of better terms) what I have been feeling.  Sometimes I feel alone in my own emotional turmoil, and no one around who can truly relate to what I'm dealing with.  There is only so much I can express to my family, without feeling guilty for burdening them with my problems.  So, this blog has become my virtual diary, and has really begun to help with my healing.  

Miscarriage and infertility seem to be a taboo topic in this fertile minded world.  We may get a moment of people's pity, but the pregnant women get the lasting recognition from the world.  I don't want to hear "I'm sorry; I guess it just wasn't meant to be." Please don't tell me "It will happen;" "Let go, and Let God;" "It just isn't your time, yet."  I know all of that, but it doesn't make life any easier.  It doesn't make seeing everyone else's pregnancies less painful.  It just makes me frustrated at time passing, and my patience wear even thinner.

I know there are a lot of women out there like me, and I wish we were more vocal.  I want to hear success stories after infertility or loss.  I want to know that there is still hope for me, and for all of us that wish to be mothers.  I WANT TO KNOW THAT I AM NOT ALONE!

Please feel free to comment below.  It's a healing feeling to know that I have others around that can truly empathize with me.  If you have a loss you want to talk about, post it.  If you you have infertility issues, join me.  If you have been trying to conceive, but are still waiting - share it.  If you have dealt with similar situations yet still ended up with a precious little one, PLEASE share your success... give some hope.  

Let's not keep infertility and miscarriage hidden any longer.  It is lonely being in the shadows.  We have a right to share our feelings, just as all the moms share their news.  Maybe if we talk about our losses more, others wouldn't have to hurt so much when they go through similar situations.  SPEAK OUT!

Simpler Times...

Botticelli: He has my heart.  I adore every piece of his work.

I think about my favorite time period, The Medieval and Renaissance, and it's crazy to think about the differences between our world and theirs.  What must it have been like to not have all of the "comforts" of our modern society?  When a trip to the neighboring village was a big deal, and a excursion to a major city was a life changing experience.  


                                                   At some points I think it might be a joy to escape the world 

Chivalry at it's finest.

we know, for a simpler life.  A life with no Facebook status updates bragging about who-knows-what, Pinterest pins letting me know that I may never be a domestic diva, or XBOX keeping my husband up half the night playing Halo (Thanks Jeff and Josh!).  I think about what it might have been like for Jane Austen going to a country ball, or Anne Boleyn making her life at court.  Oh, for the chivalry!  Oh, for the clothing!

Henry VIII

Honestly the only things I think I might miss from this world... Indoor plumbing and hot showers.  I could live without electricity, makeup, cell phones, etc.  I would gladly hand write letters of correspondence, go without makeup, and read by candlelight.  Heck, I might even submit myself to the fact that I would be married off for my family's own betterment; though I would hope to have a husband that wouldn't try and control me too much.  The only downfall... I would hate to be in my fertility predicament then.  That was the woman's main job... to produce heirs.  Think of Henry VIII's wives... he divorced one and killed another for the single fact of not bearing him healthy sons.  Too bad good ole Hal didn't realize that the male determines the sex of a baby!

 Even though, I would still like to be able to live in the old days...It would be a relief to escape feeling such ineptitude in so many aspects of my modern life!  Though it would definitely be a benefit to go with the knowledge of today's world, even if it might lead me to being burned at the sate for witchcraft!  Dr. Brown...Marty McFly...Where are you?  I need to borrow your time machine! I don't want to go "Back to the Future," but To the past!

Internet, Gaming, and Social Media! Oh, My...

There is so much technology in the world today! Cell phones, Computers, Gaming Consoles, Tablets, etc., bring us endless entertainment, and many people close together.  My family, like most, is constantly interacting with the world through such methods as Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, XBOX, and so forth.  It keeps us in touch with those we don't get to see all of the time, and meeting people that we might never know through any other means.

Because of technology and social media, my family has new friends all over the world... From Australia to Washington (America).  It's a pretty interesting thing.  All of this technology amazes me!  Though sometimes it's a real pain in my derriere.  Between the people bragging about their lives on one hand and the drama fest on the other, I feel as if I'm constantly bearing witness to a soap opera (Missing All My Children).  It is also the perfect place to either boost one's confidence or drudge up all of your insecurities... depending on the posts you see that day.  I choose to stay pretty quiet with the status updates most of the time, but I do put an occasional complaint or ego boost on my status once in a while.  Recently, Facebook has been a constant reminder of my losses, so I have been trying to avoid it as much as possible.  

A perfect example for why I have been avoiding most interactive social media occurred just yesterday.  I logged on and saw WAY TOO MANY pregnancy posts; from belly pictures and ultrasound photos, to baby name discussions and complaints about babies kicking.  I avoid the parenting boards on various sites so I don't have to read about this stuff, now I'm hiding from Facebook for the exact same reason.  And instead of whining about it on Facebook, I began this blog.  I wanted to save all of my friends from hearing me complain and cause drama.  I wanted somewhere to post my opinion and feelings out into the world, without tying up other peoples home screens.

Another social media site that has become a huge factor for many people is Pinterest.  I think my mother has an addiction to this site!  Every image, every meme, every outfit, every website... you can find it on Pinterest!  Go in, set up your boards, and pin away!  I have found many useful ideas on Pinterest, from how to build a chicken coup to the perfect cheesecake recipe.  I have found many helpful miscarriage blogs and conception after loss websites through Pinterest too.  Another perk is, by searching for specific things, I can avoid baby and pregnancy stuff...unless I am in a mood to see those types of pins.  Rarely can Pinterest put me in a bad mood...It's pretty much my happy place.

One form of technology that I would like to break into tiny pieces, most of the time, is my husband's XBOX.  I think he would play on that machine for at least 16 hours a day if I wasn't there to throw a tantrum.  Without fail, I will try and sneak in a bit of cuddle time, yet there he is... controller in hand, headset on, completely immersed in whatever game he happens to be playing.  Not to mention, just about the time I persuade him to get off of the game, one of his gaming buddies comes along and i have lost him for at least another couple of hours.  The only thing the XBOX is good for is when I want to go shopping, and I don't feel like hearing my husband whine after just 30 minutes at the mall.

I know technology has it's high points, but some days I wish I could just escape to a simpler place.  A place where I do not have to take part in the goings on of the modern world.  Those are the days that I try and sneak away, and indulge my soul into a different time and place; a place that can only be found in a good book.

Counting the Days...

Anyone who has been through the Trying To Conceive (TTC) life knows how many methods there are.  You can go with Basal Body Temping (BBT), Sperm Meets Egg Plan (SMEP), Just going at it like crazy between Aunt Flow's visits, iPhone and Android Apps, and so on and so forth.  There are as many fertility methods as there are opinions on politics.  It all comes down to counting the days, and / or checking the hormone levels.

 I have been using a Clear Blue Fertility Monitor (CBFM) for just over a year.  I use it because it's simple and I can do it half asleep, and honestly put...I am NOT a morning person.  Ask my husband, I am one that doesn't like to be rushed or bothered for the first 30 minutes that I am pseudo-awake.  My CBFM is easy enough to zombie walk to the bathroom, grab a stick, do my business (I know, TMI), stick it in the monitor, and go back to bed.  I let my husband check the monitor results though... This way I don't just walk up and say "Time to try and make a baby."  It gives him the ability to know that the ball is in his court, that I am not just using him as a sperm donor, and romance can stay somewhat preserved.  It's funny though... the month that we got pregnant, we didn't even use the monitor.  We kept forgetting to buy a new box of test sticks, so we guesstimated.  

Back to the original point of this post though... I constantly feel like I'm counting the days of my life, and I restart every 28 days.  The first several days of the count waiting patiently to see my monitor go from low to high, and the next few days acting like rabbits, and then the dreaded Two Week Wait (TWW).  

I despise the approximately 14 days from ovulation to Aunt Flow.  You hope, pray, beg, plead, light candles, rub all of your troll dolls, do the hokey pokey, and all the little superstitious tidbits that might POSSIBLY help conception along. You question every strange sensation your body has, wondering if it might mean that this month was the lucky month or if the Chinese takeout and ice cream  (not to mention the large slice of cheesecake) were a bad combo.  You do everything in your power not to get your hopes up, yet somehow they always do.

After all the bunny rabbit action and the superstitions, you find yourself in the last days of the wait.  You want to go ahead and break out a pregnancy test... but you don't, because you don't want to see bad news. So you steel your determination, a.k.a let your husband hide the stash of pregnancy tests, and resolve yourself to the wait.  And you know what normally happens...

Aunt Flow brings her ugly butt around, and the feeling of defeat sets in.  I honestly hate to admit this, but I cannot tell you how many months I have found myself curled up in bed crying over another month of knowing that  "this means another month I have to wait to try and become a mommy."  It's painful! It's painful for those with fertility issues, and it's painful for those who are TTC after a loss.  I've been in both shoes, and both suck.  

After my three losses, it has become almost unbearable. For me, every time my monthly cycle comes, I hurt for my lost babies even more.  I long for a healthy baby to help repair the void that my miscarriages have left in me.  I know a healthy baby will never eliminate the hurt, but it would definitely help to numb the hole.  I honestly feel sorry for my loved ones, especially my husband and my mother, for the mood I end up in every month.  They have found me curled up in bed just weeping, and a few hours later I'm so angry (from the pain) that I could burst.  I know I can be quite impossible to be around during these times; but I am so grateful for their support, and I know they (probably) feel the the same loss too.

Now I think it's time to put the sadness and anger aside for this month.  So ends day two of my 28 day count...  I can only hope that on this cycle's 28th day, I can start counting to 40 weeks instead.

Pregnancy, Pregnancy Everywhere. Just Not One For Me....

Is there something going around in the water?  Everyone seems to be about to pop a baby out, has just announced that they're expecting, or is in some various month of pregnancy.  I don't get it!  What am I missing?  I know that I was just pregnant...but am I the only one that miscarried recently?  Maybe I am just very sensitive to the subject at the moment.

I only told need to know people that I was pregnant, because I have lost before and feared that I would lose again.  And yet, here are people announcing their pregnancies while watching the line change on the pregnancy test.  I thought that 50% of all pregnancies ended in miscarriage... well, I think the numbers are WAY off then.  None of my Facebook friends have lost their precious little babies... just me.  

Honestly, since the day I was scheduled for this miscarriage, there has been no less than 12 pregnancy announcements on my Facebook.  Not to mention the amount of celebrities that have announced their pending bliss... Kim Kardashian for crying out loud! Heck, she couldn't  even handle not losing her kitten! What is she going to do with a baby?  

Another thing that is killing me is how many women are complaining about their pregnancies!  "My boobs hurt so bad!"  "I hate morning sickness!" "This peeing all of the time is getting SOOO old!"  Etc., etc. etc. Really girls?!  I know several of us who would relish in having swollen ankles, peeing all of the time, throwing up, and all of the miseries of pregnancy... Because that would mean that AT LEAST WE WOULD BE PREGNANT!

So how about instead of complaining about pregnancy, suck it up and be happy that at least you are having a baby.  You got to see/hear that heartbeat on the monitor, you were able to see you baby on the ultrasound, you WILL get to hold your baby in your arms.  I DIDN'T.  I never even got to say hello.  I will never know if they had their Daddy's eyes, or their Grandmother's hair, or my love of books.  Some women don't even get to experience the loss of a miscarriage, because they haven't been able to conceive...yet there you sit whining about your "miserable" pregnancy.  

I would give anything just to see a placental sac filled with SOMETHING! I wish every day to see the one ultrasound image that has eluded me... a simple little heartbeat within a growing body. And I know there are others out there in she same boat as me.

So for all of you mommies and soon-to-be mothers out there.... Hug your children because you were blessed with them, or enjoy your pregnancy instead of treating it like a burden.  Be respectful of your God (or whatever your beliefs) given gift, because many of us would give up almost everything to be in your shoes.  Not only that, but we will graciously come to your baby showers, Christenings, 1st birthday parties with a smile on our face.  We will love your children and be happy for your blessings, even though it hurts us, deep down, to be denied that same joy for ourselves.  

I know this was a bit of a temper tantrum, but another month has gone by in my life and another conception has not happened.