Simpler Times...

Botticelli: He has my heart.  I adore every piece of his work.

I think about my favorite time period, The Medieval and Renaissance, and it's crazy to think about the differences between our world and theirs.  What must it have been like to not have all of the "comforts" of our modern society?  When a trip to the neighboring village was a big deal, and a excursion to a major city was a life changing experience.  


                                                   At some points I think it might be a joy to escape the world 

Chivalry at it's finest.

we know, for a simpler life.  A life with no Facebook status updates bragging about who-knows-what, Pinterest pins letting me know that I may never be a domestic diva, or XBOX keeping my husband up half the night playing Halo (Thanks Jeff and Josh!).  I think about what it might have been like for Jane Austen going to a country ball, or Anne Boleyn making her life at court.  Oh, for the chivalry!  Oh, for the clothing!

Henry VIII

Honestly the only things I think I might miss from this world... Indoor plumbing and hot showers.  I could live without electricity, makeup, cell phones, etc.  I would gladly hand write letters of correspondence, go without makeup, and read by candlelight.  Heck, I might even submit myself to the fact that I would be married off for my family's own betterment; though I would hope to have a husband that wouldn't try and control me too much.  The only downfall... I would hate to be in my fertility predicament then.  That was the woman's main job... to produce heirs.  Think of Henry VIII's wives... he divorced one and killed another for the single fact of not bearing him healthy sons.  Too bad good ole Hal didn't realize that the male determines the sex of a baby!

 Even though, I would still like to be able to live in the old days...It would be a relief to escape feeling such ineptitude in so many aspects of my modern life!  Though it would definitely be a benefit to go with the knowledge of today's world, even if it might lead me to being burned at the sate for witchcraft!  Dr. Brown...Marty McFly...Where are you?  I need to borrow your time machine! I don't want to go "Back to the Future," but To the past!

Internet, Gaming, and Social Media! Oh, My...

There is so much technology in the world today! Cell phones, Computers, Gaming Consoles, Tablets, etc., bring us endless entertainment, and many people close together.  My family, like most, is constantly interacting with the world through such methods as Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, XBOX, and so forth.  It keeps us in touch with those we don't get to see all of the time, and meeting people that we might never know through any other means.

Because of technology and social media, my family has new friends all over the world... From Australia to Washington (America).  It's a pretty interesting thing.  All of this technology amazes me!  Though sometimes it's a real pain in my derriere.  Between the people bragging about their lives on one hand and the drama fest on the other, I feel as if I'm constantly bearing witness to a soap opera (Missing All My Children).  It is also the perfect place to either boost one's confidence or drudge up all of your insecurities... depending on the posts you see that day.  I choose to stay pretty quiet with the status updates most of the time, but I do put an occasional complaint or ego boost on my status once in a while.  Recently, Facebook has been a constant reminder of my losses, so I have been trying to avoid it as much as possible.  

A perfect example for why I have been avoiding most interactive social media occurred just yesterday.  I logged on and saw WAY TOO MANY pregnancy posts; from belly pictures and ultrasound photos, to baby name discussions and complaints about babies kicking.  I avoid the parenting boards on various sites so I don't have to read about this stuff, now I'm hiding from Facebook for the exact same reason.  And instead of whining about it on Facebook, I began this blog.  I wanted to save all of my friends from hearing me complain and cause drama.  I wanted somewhere to post my opinion and feelings out into the world, without tying up other peoples home screens.

Another social media site that has become a huge factor for many people is Pinterest.  I think my mother has an addiction to this site!  Every image, every meme, every outfit, every website... you can find it on Pinterest!  Go in, set up your boards, and pin away!  I have found many useful ideas on Pinterest, from how to build a chicken coup to the perfect cheesecake recipe.  I have found many helpful miscarriage blogs and conception after loss websites through Pinterest too.  Another perk is, by searching for specific things, I can avoid baby and pregnancy stuff...unless I am in a mood to see those types of pins.  Rarely can Pinterest put me in a bad mood...It's pretty much my happy place.

One form of technology that I would like to break into tiny pieces, most of the time, is my husband's XBOX.  I think he would play on that machine for at least 16 hours a day if I wasn't there to throw a tantrum.  Without fail, I will try and sneak in a bit of cuddle time, yet there he is... controller in hand, headset on, completely immersed in whatever game he happens to be playing.  Not to mention, just about the time I persuade him to get off of the game, one of his gaming buddies comes along and i have lost him for at least another couple of hours.  The only thing the XBOX is good for is when I want to go shopping, and I don't feel like hearing my husband whine after just 30 minutes at the mall.

I know technology has it's high points, but some days I wish I could just escape to a simpler place.  A place where I do not have to take part in the goings on of the modern world.  Those are the days that I try and sneak away, and indulge my soul into a different time and place; a place that can only be found in a good book.

Counting the Days...

Anyone who has been through the Trying To Conceive (TTC) life knows how many methods there are.  You can go with Basal Body Temping (BBT), Sperm Meets Egg Plan (SMEP), Just going at it like crazy between Aunt Flow's visits, iPhone and Android Apps, and so on and so forth.  There are as many fertility methods as there are opinions on politics.  It all comes down to counting the days, and / or checking the hormone levels.

 I have been using a Clear Blue Fertility Monitor (CBFM) for just over a year.  I use it because it's simple and I can do it half asleep, and honestly put...I am NOT a morning person.  Ask my husband, I am one that doesn't like to be rushed or bothered for the first 30 minutes that I am pseudo-awake.  My CBFM is easy enough to zombie walk to the bathroom, grab a stick, do my business (I know, TMI), stick it in the monitor, and go back to bed.  I let my husband check the monitor results though... This way I don't just walk up and say "Time to try and make a baby."  It gives him the ability to know that the ball is in his court, that I am not just using him as a sperm donor, and romance can stay somewhat preserved.  It's funny though... the month that we got pregnant, we didn't even use the monitor.  We kept forgetting to buy a new box of test sticks, so we guesstimated.  

Back to the original point of this post though... I constantly feel like I'm counting the days of my life, and I restart every 28 days.  The first several days of the count waiting patiently to see my monitor go from low to high, and the next few days acting like rabbits, and then the dreaded Two Week Wait (TWW).  

I despise the approximately 14 days from ovulation to Aunt Flow.  You hope, pray, beg, plead, light candles, rub all of your troll dolls, do the hokey pokey, and all the little superstitious tidbits that might POSSIBLY help conception along. You question every strange sensation your body has, wondering if it might mean that this month was the lucky month or if the Chinese takeout and ice cream  (not to mention the large slice of cheesecake) were a bad combo.  You do everything in your power not to get your hopes up, yet somehow they always do.

After all the bunny rabbit action and the superstitions, you find yourself in the last days of the wait.  You want to go ahead and break out a pregnancy test... but you don't, because you don't want to see bad news. So you steel your determination, a.k.a let your husband hide the stash of pregnancy tests, and resolve yourself to the wait.  And you know what normally happens...

Aunt Flow brings her ugly butt around, and the feeling of defeat sets in.  I honestly hate to admit this, but I cannot tell you how many months I have found myself curled up in bed crying over another month of knowing that  "this means another month I have to wait to try and become a mommy."  It's painful! It's painful for those with fertility issues, and it's painful for those who are TTC after a loss.  I've been in both shoes, and both suck.  

After my three losses, it has become almost unbearable. For me, every time my monthly cycle comes, I hurt for my lost babies even more.  I long for a healthy baby to help repair the void that my miscarriages have left in me.  I know a healthy baby will never eliminate the hurt, but it would definitely help to numb the hole.  I honestly feel sorry for my loved ones, especially my husband and my mother, for the mood I end up in every month.  They have found me curled up in bed just weeping, and a few hours later I'm so angry (from the pain) that I could burst.  I know I can be quite impossible to be around during these times; but I am so grateful for their support, and I know they (probably) feel the the same loss too.

Now I think it's time to put the sadness and anger aside for this month.  So ends day two of my 28 day count...  I can only hope that on this cycle's 28th day, I can start counting to 40 weeks instead.

Pregnancy, Pregnancy Everywhere. Just Not One For Me....

Is there something going around in the water?  Everyone seems to be about to pop a baby out, has just announced that they're expecting, or is in some various month of pregnancy.  I don't get it!  What am I missing?  I know that I was just pregnant...but am I the only one that miscarried recently?  Maybe I am just very sensitive to the subject at the moment.

I only told need to know people that I was pregnant, because I have lost before and feared that I would lose again.  And yet, here are people announcing their pregnancies while watching the line change on the pregnancy test.  I thought that 50% of all pregnancies ended in miscarriage... well, I think the numbers are WAY off then.  None of my Facebook friends have lost their precious little babies... just me.  

Honestly, since the day I was scheduled for this miscarriage, there has been no less than 12 pregnancy announcements on my Facebook.  Not to mention the amount of celebrities that have announced their pending bliss... Kim Kardashian for crying out loud! Heck, she couldn't  even handle not losing her kitten! What is she going to do with a baby?  

Another thing that is killing me is how many women are complaining about their pregnancies!  "My boobs hurt so bad!"  "I hate morning sickness!" "This peeing all of the time is getting SOOO old!"  Etc., etc. etc. Really girls?!  I know several of us who would relish in having swollen ankles, peeing all of the time, throwing up, and all of the miseries of pregnancy... Because that would mean that AT LEAST WE WOULD BE PREGNANT!

So how about instead of complaining about pregnancy, suck it up and be happy that at least you are having a baby.  You got to see/hear that heartbeat on the monitor, you were able to see you baby on the ultrasound, you WILL get to hold your baby in your arms.  I DIDN'T.  I never even got to say hello.  I will never know if they had their Daddy's eyes, or their Grandmother's hair, or my love of books.  Some women don't even get to experience the loss of a miscarriage, because they haven't been able to conceive...yet there you sit whining about your "miserable" pregnancy.  

I would give anything just to see a placental sac filled with SOMETHING! I wish every day to see the one ultrasound image that has eluded me... a simple little heartbeat within a growing body. And I know there are others out there in she same boat as me.

So for all of you mommies and soon-to-be mothers out there.... Hug your children because you were blessed with them, or enjoy your pregnancy instead of treating it like a burden.  Be respectful of your God (or whatever your beliefs) given gift, because many of us would give up almost everything to be in your shoes.  Not only that, but we will graciously come to your baby showers, Christenings, 1st birthday parties with a smile on our face.  We will love your children and be happy for your blessings, even though it hurts us, deep down, to be denied that same joy for ourselves.  

I know this was a bit of a temper tantrum, but another month has gone by in my life and another conception has not happened.  

What Baby Carriage?

I remember the kids chanting in Kindergarten "(Enter names here) Sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then come marriage, then come the baby in the baby carriage."  If life were only that simple!  And for many it is.  The happily ever after is there, and it is possible... for some.  

Then there is the group of us that got two out of three.  I have the love and the marriage, and believe me that I am blessed to have those (and in no way do I take it for granted); but I still yearn for the "baby carriage."  As a substitute, my animals have filled the baby void... poor them!  (Notice my two adorable girls Daphne Jane and Macy Elizabeth.  I'm sure I will post pics of my boys eventually.) Daphne is the best sport of all of my fur-babies.  She even has her own "baby carriage."  Laugh if you must, but since she is afraid of most people, the stroller lets her see without being touched.  

Back to my point though.  We all don't get our trifecta, but most of us accept that (or try to, at least).  We progress with our lives hoping that maybe we get lucky, and we get to score that final piece of the puzzle.  Some will accept defeat, others will try harder in hopes of reaching the promised land, some will spend fortunes to find a way to accomplish the goal, while a small few will try any and everything (even the unusual) to try for the prize, and finally others will just get that stroke of luck.  Three times now, I thought that I had attained the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  

My first pregnancy (and miscarriage) was a shock.  I had spent time on Clomid, just to try and get my body to work normally.  I had spent several years on and off of Depot Luperon, and in turn I ended up losing my gall bladder and my ovulation! So in 2008, Enter a course of Clomid!  After six months, the Clomid still wasn't helping... so I accepted defeat, and figured that my body would ovulate when it was ready.  Little did I know that within a few months and without even trying, I would be PREGNANT!  How can such a glorious moment come crashing down in the next moment?  Two words: Ectopic Pregnancy.  For those who do not know what the dreaded ET is, just follow the link.  Within a week, I was scheduled for a D&C.  If that procedure wasn't enough, I miscarried a second baby three days later.  Yes, I was carrying twins, and one was playing "hide-n-seek."  I decided to name my babies, because for me it made them a bit more real.  They were graced with the names Bailey and Riley.  

Two years later, and I find myself in another exciting moment.  Planning a wedding, and becoming pregnant!  I bounced my way into the OB's office, completely on cloud 9.  I was 6 weeks along, and was excited that I might get to see my little bug on an ultrasound!  If only I could have not been such an optimist!  Two more dreaded words came out of the Doctor's mouth... Blighted Ovum.  I looked up at the screen to to see the empty sac, as the doctor explained to me what those dreaded words and black hole on the screen were.  We waited two more weeks, just in case there was a positive change; but my sac only got smaller.  So another D&C was scheduled, and at what should have been just past 9 weeks, the sac was removed.  Later tests showed that there was nothing genetically wrong with the baby, and there was no reason that they found for the loss.  The explanation from the doctor... "It just happens.  At least blighted ovums are normally a one time thing."   I blessed this baby with the name Taylor.

To fast forward through the next two years... The husband and I finally got married.  We worked our jobs, and tried ever harder to get pregnant.  Every month that "Aunt Flow" came, I cried myself to sleep for a few nights.  I noticed every pregnancy announcement on Facebook with a cringe.  I would sometime shed a tear as we walked past the baby section of a store. Pregnant women would walk past me, and I would sometimes want to run.  It's not that I wasn't happy for my friends, or that I had a hatred for anything "baby;" it's just that I was upset at my own body for not acting right.  But time progresses as it always does, and I learned to just cope.  

November 5, 2012...  I had decided to go to the doctor (well, husband kind of forced), because my friend "Flow" had decided to misbehave over the last few cycles.  I also thought I was getting some kind of bug... My body was kind of tingly in places, and I was nauseous, and I was a bit dizzy.  The doctor looked me over, drew some blood, and told me that he didn't see anything but would call if there was anything on the blood work.  So there I sat at work the next morning, when a nurse calls.  "Well, we know why you don't feel well!  Congratulations, you are four weeks pregnant."  I was shocked...I was only due for "Flow's" visit that day.  I spent the next month in a blissful state of pregnancy.  I waited until I was in my eighth week of pregnancy to see my OB.  I didn't want to go through dreaded waiting to see if there was bad or good news.  Heck, they had already told me that another blighted ovum was a rarity. I wanted to be positive.  I should have probably remembered that for most of my life the only luck I have is bad luck.  I went in for my initial appointment, to find out that I had a rare instance on my hands...another blighted ovum.  I cried harder than I ever thought possible, and a small part of me didn't want to believe what the doctor was saying.  So I decided to let my body be the judge, and if I was to miscarry...It would happen on it's own.  The doctor had me come back twice over the next four weeks, he wanted to check for either progress or infection.  At the 12 week mark, still no miscarriage... but infection was beginning.  So on December 28, 2012, I miscarried what would have been my fourth child.  And again, tests were run to see if there had been any chromosomal problems.  I had already settled on a name, And I had a feeling it was a girl.  The doctor confirmed both chromosomal abnormalities (between the 5th and 7th, but my specific genetic workup came back perfect), and that she would have been a girl.  I called her Harper.

I have now miscarried 4 babies in four years.  I don't have any answers as to why I have lost them, but my heart aches.  And I love the babies I never got to meet.  I only hope that one day we will be together again.  On a side note...I was due the same week as Prince William and Kate.

So as to try and help me heal, I decided to blog it out.  No one may read this, besides my loving mother (Hi, Momma! I love you.), but if it helps me get through this; and can possibly help console another grieving person... then it's worth it.  So here it goes, blogging may not always perfect, but always loving life.

Who knew?

I admit it, the baby itch got me at a younger age than most.  I was sixteen, just diagnosed with endometriosis, and I had been told that I would probably have fertility problems.  Of course, when someone tells you that you can't have something... It becomes the thing you want most.  

Having a baby wasn't my only focus in life.  I wanted to go to college, travel through Europe, write a novel, buy a house without the white picket fence, and have a non-miserable career.  It's just that I wanted motherhood more, but knew that I was too young to go after that.  I knew that I needed to finish my schooling, get married, etc.  Well, I graduated high school, started college, and married my high school sweetheart.  I was ready to begin trying for a baby!.. but he wasn't yet.  

Let's skip quickly forward over the next several years... The high school sweetheart became military husband, we moved around enough, he went on a few deployment, and through it all we did try to get pregnant on and off.  We even went to see fertility doctors.  Depot Lupron on, and Depot Lupron off... which left me without ovulation!  So Clomid on, and Clomid off.  

TEN YEARS TOGETHER... STILL NO BABY.

We ended up miserable, growing in separate directions, and happier when we were apart.  He remarried six weeks after our divorce was final, and was a father less than a year later (from what I hear).  So for his getting my happy ending, I will (from this point further) refer to him as "Neanderthal." 

Luckily I had met a man that the Neanderthal could never compare to, in my eyes.  He was my friend, and he would eventually become my better half - my husband.  He is everything I am not, all I wish I could be, and the perfect yin to my yang.  He infuriates me, while at the same time mesmerizing me.  We quickly fell in love.... and that begins the bittersweet story of my life.  

WHO KNEW HAPPILY EVER AFTER COULD BE SO HARD TO ACHIEVE?