Sometimes Music Gets You Through...

It's been a bit of a stressful week in my household.  As the saying goes, it always seems that when it rains, it pours; and it has been pouring, both figuratively and literally at my house.  Between preparing taxes, trying to buy a new house, Vin's work moving locations, changing health insurance, horrible weather, and the normal craziness that occurs; we've been a bit overwhelmed as of lately.  So what do I do when I am getting too stresses?  Listen to music.

I grew up in a household where music was a way of life.  My mother clung to her older "hippie music" as I called it, and my father was a Disc Jockey.  Instead of traditional stories and lullabies, I was told about the Beatles and Journey, and sung songs like "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" and "Mighty Quinn."  My parents had a deep love for lyrics and melodies, and I inherited that trait. Because of their tutelage, I found my own love of and expression through music.

Sometimes music really does get you through the rough patches.  I am a firm believer that once in a while you just need to put the headphones on, turn up the music, and let the emotions flow.  Whether it be sitting there crying to sad songs, or dancing around the room to a hit; it helps to express your feelings.  And there is always the right song for every mood!

During my miscarriage, I balled my eyes out to the Fray a LOT!  "You Found Me" held a lot of meaning for me.  I was begging my baby to hang on and find me.  I still well up when this song comes on my playlist, but even though I still get a bit emotional with this song... it's good.  Mayday Parade also helped during those early days, whether it was crying to "Walk On Water Or Drown," or trying to cheer myself up with "Jamie All Over" which happens to be one of Hub's and my songs.

Now that I am at least to the anger part of the healing, I am leaning more towards a bit harder forms of rock.  Some big ones on my playlist right now are Three Days Grace (3DG), Breaking Benjamin (BB), and Imagine Dragons.  I have always loved 3DG; so many of their songs hold meaning for me, and they always help me get my aggression out.  So many times, I have found the words to express my emotions through 3DG.

Now some my laugh at me,  but Breaking Benjamin's "Diary of Jane" has always been a special song of mine.  My husband used to say that this was his song to me when I was keeping him in the "friend zone," but now we have found a new meaning for this song. Our new interpretation to this song has become trying to have that Child, to be in that "diary."  If you know this song, you can see our meaning.  Always struggling, never getting in.

Finally, another band that has recently caught my ear is Imagine Dragons.  "Radioactive" has newly become my personal battle cry for my loss.  If you haven't heard it... listen to it.  The lyrics discuss waking up to "ash and dust,"  how this must be an apocalypse, and revolution against it.  For some reason, this completely describes how I am getting through since waking up after having to go through my D&C.  I woke up to a different world, in my own "apocalypse," and that with everything that has change for the worse... I am on my own revolution, and I will fight for my dreams.

With all the stress life has brought on lately, stress has been a close companion.  Thank God my MP3 player and headphones have been there too.  I would be in a lot fouler of a mood if it weren't for my music.  If you feel up to it, let me know what music speaks to you.

It's The Little Things...

I don't know why, but it's the little things that seem to affect me the most these days.  I'm not crying when I see pictures of newborns (even my new nephew), I'm not in misery when I see a pregnant belly, and I can pretty much deal with all of the "new mom" and "pregnant" posts.  It's the things that may not have anything pregnancy related, or the things I don't expect that are catching off guard me these days.

This is the bittersweet image.

One simple thing that got me today was an image on Pinterest.  I had searched "labyrinth," because I love meditating and praying within them.  Because of my love for these, my husband, Vin,  had said that he would create one for me when we get our house; so I was looking at different designs.  Little did I expect to see an image of a labyrinth done as a womb, and having a baby as the center.  It was a sad image for me; but as I continued to look at it, I found new hope.  For me, I saw a path I must walk before I find my reward waiting for me at the center.  It may be a long path, and I may feel like I am walking the wrong direction; but if the path is still under my feet, then the prize is still at the end of the path.

Another little thing that recently knocked the breath from me were some lyrics that a dear friend of mine tagged me with on Facebook.  My friend posted these Lyrics to me because he was one of just a small handful of people that have been there through each of my pregnancies.  He also happened to be the ONE person I hadn't had the chance to inform of my miscarriage.  My friend posted these lyrics because he felt that they summed up the joy I felt when I had told him we were expecting, again.  The lyrics were from a song called "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri.  Here are some of the lines:

I have died everyday waiting for you!Darlin' don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years! I'll love you for a thousand more!And all along I believed I would find you! Time has brought your heart to me!I have loved you for a thousand yearsI'll love you for a thousand more!

I totally understood why he had posted these lyrics for me, but I also felt my heart skip a beat from the pain.  Then came the hard part of actually telling him about our loss.  I know that one day I will be able to look at these lyrics and feel the joy from them, but for now I can just grit my teeth to the pain.  That pain was ground a little deeper when my husband saw the same post.

My husband, who is the emotional strength of the relationship, is finally breaking his shell about our miscarriages.  Vin has been by my side to wipe and kiss away every tear, made me laugh when I thought it wasn't possible, he has help me through both the emotional and physical pain, and has even carried my weakened  body to the doctor when there were physical complications.  He is one of the most amazing people I know, and sometimes I think he knows me better that I know myself.  I understood that he has suffered with each miscarriage as I have, but I didn't know how much he is still suffering.

My rock, my protector, my love.

Over the last few months, we have been discussing fertility treatments, including IVF.  It was never a top choice for us, because we felt that it might be messing too much with Fate (i.e. God's plan); but recently, we have been weighing that option a bit more.  Well today, Vin brought up wanting to explore that path, and possibly quit trying on our own.  

***As a little side note, my husband works for a construction company that moves around the country.  I used to work at the same company, but took time off when I found out I was pregnant and work was slow, and just haven't had the heart to go back yet.  We are currently separated by a seven hour drive, but I usually spend a month with him and then a month at home.  Well, all of the driving by myself has really been weighing on me (Yeah, I really don't like interstates, especially alone.), and I get a bit cranky when it's about that time to make the drive.  Not to mention, the company is about to expand into a new area, which will put Vin even farther away from home. ***

I was shocked by my husband's statement, and questioned the basis behind his feelings.  He actually admitted how much he has been suffering with me.  As it turns out, each miscarriage  broke his heart (I kind of knew this.), and every subsequent month that we don't get pregnant compounds the pain further (Didn't know this one.).  And as he continued, he explained that he was tired of trying so hard, when we still have not had success; adding that it's only going to be harder as work brings him farther away from home. 

Hearing Vin's misery in feeling like a failure was a breaking point.  I had been getting better, and I assumed (by his usual banter and actions) that he was on the ups as well.  I guess he just masks his pain better than I do.  

We have been through so much struggle during our expanding relationship, but as long as we get though it together and we come out stronger, we will deal with the rocky roads of life.  So, I really don't care what method our children come from, as long as we get to have some.  I guess it's time to sit down, and really decide which path is best for US.

Beating The Baby Blues...

Here is my continuation of my accidentally deleted post from last week.  I promise to never let that happen again...

As noted in my last post, I recently spent a week in Florida.  It was mainly a house hunting trip, but I also got to spend time with family and friends that I hadn't seen in a while.  I was able to keep busy, and found many distractions to beat the baby blues.

The first three days of our trip were spent house hunting in Central Florida.  Lots of driving around and getting lost, but Vin and I think we found our perfect home.  The best perks of the house have to be location, neighbors, and most of all the low price.  It is a fixer upper, but we are up for the challenge.  One of the highlights of our time spent in Central Florida was the peaceful atmosphere in the lakes area, which gave us time to relax.  Thanks to my Aunt and Uncle for letting us stay in their lake house while we were there!

After house hunting, the hubs and I proceeded south to see our friends and family in Fort Lauderdale (FtL).  We started our first afternoon in town with a quick trip to my cousin's, and then having a nice dinner with my former stepmother.  It had been years since I had seen either of these family members, and I was glad to have the time to catch up.  Our night ended with a quick hug for my dad, and an early night to bed.

I love being on the water!

Our second day in FtL was spent at one of my favorite places in South Florida...Sawgrass Mills Mall!  Vin would have been miserable there, except he found an entire store of his favorite brand...Hurley!  The hubs found his clothing heaven.  I should have gotten a picture, but I didn't.  Once we shopped til we dropped, we met up with my dad for a boat ride, and dinner on the water.  I always forget how much of the sea is in my veins, until I get on a boat.  Dinner was also a definite high point.  Vin decided to attempt the burger challenge that the restaurant had, a whole pound and a half hamburger and a large side of fries, and he conquered it...with an agonizing effort.  I must say, if you are ever visiting South Florida, make a stop at the Downtowner... they have some tasty food. And since we took a boat to dinner, it meant a boat ride home... My Dad was definitely worried about the cleanliness of his boat with the Hub's full stomach!  But my dad forgets, that like us, Vin grew up on the water in Florida.

Missing that Pineapple Drink!
What a goofy Face, Vin!

 Our third day was a Friday, so we were in total TGIF mode.  I was feeling great by this point because I hadn't been on Facebook in days (so I wasn't seeing baby announcements), we were staying busy, and we were having fun... which all lead to not thinking about my miscarriage or obsessively trying to conceive.  Vin wanted to take a drive, so we rode along A1A (for those that don't know, it rides along the beach).  I was able to show him things from my past, and we had a good time.  While driving, we made the decision to go to happy hour at a long honored establishment in FtL, the Mai-Kai.  So we did a quick shop for appropriate clothing, and called and invited my cousin.

Boy, the beach was windy!
 

The Mai-Kai has a long history in FtL, and in my family.  It was one of the places to see and be seen from it's opening in the 50s or 60s until the early 80s.  Many celebrities have visited (Like Jerry Lewis and the Prince of Monaco), and my family got to meet them all. My grandmother was the gift shop manager, and most of my family worked there at one point in time or another.  My parents even got married in the Mai-Kai's gardens.  Now though, it's a bit run down and feels like a time warp, but I hadn't ever been there and really wanted to see it for myself.  The start to the Mai-Kai was a bit bad, the host gave us some issues about our out of state identifications, but we still managed to have fun.  We had our drinks (which I am still craving another), walked the gardens, and giggled about the atmosphere.  This is another place that should be seen, even if just for a chuckle.  We finished off the night with a walk on the beach, and hanging out at my cousin's house.  

Ren Fest!!!

I know it will sound dorky to some, but Saturday was spent at the Florida Renaissance Festival with the hubs, my cousin, and her husband.  We have always had fun at Ren Faires, and this day was no exception.  The cider, mead, and beer were tasty; the costumes were awesome (though we went in modern attire this time); the shows were hysterical; and a good time was had by all.  Though everyone needed a rest after the walking.  Vin had been wanting to go to a Dave & Busters for a while now, and with $50 that was magically found in a drawer of a curio that my grandmother left me (Thanks Grandma! Even though you are not with me, you're still looking out for me!), we spent our evening at D&B.  To anyone who doesn't know what a D&B is... It's a restaurant with a huge arcade in it, a.k.a. an over sized Chuck E. Cheese.  I know the hubs had fun, and I had a good time watching him.  My favorite part of the night had to be our midnight dinner at a little diner, and thanks to the stupid American daylight Savings time change...we didn't get home until 3 am.  It was TOTALLY worth it.

Yeah, I know I look like my Dad...

Sunday was our final day in town, and we began it by spending time with my Dad while we set up for my stepmother's surprise birthday party.  After setting up, we ran some errands, and said our goodbyes to my cousin.  Vin and I made it back to my Dad's in time to make a casually late entrance to the party.  One highlight to the party, I FINALLY got to meet two out of three of my step brothers.  I also got to meet my step sister-in-law, which was bittersweet.  She is another woman who has been through miscarriage, one just a couple of months ago, but she also has a son that would be right about the same age as my second pregnancy loss.  As I said, it was bittersweet... but at least the party was a hit, and my step mom was happy.  As soon as the party was over at around 7 or 8 at night, Vin and I hit the sac.  He had a 7 AM flight out of Orlando to go back to work, and that meant that we had a 4 hour drive to Orlando to make in the middle of the night.  At least it gave us plenty of time to chit-chat on the road.

The trip really helped my emotional state, and has truly improved my mood.  I still feel the twinges, but they seem to be easier to deal with at the moment.  I totally recommend taking a trip to anyone needing to escape the baby blues.  Even if it's only temporary, it helps.  Now, I just need to work on getting everything in order to buy our house.  Wish me luck.

The Lucky Ju-ju...

 I accidentally deleted my post last night...my bad.  So, I am having to rewrite it, and will be breaking it into two parts instead.  And... take two!

Sorry it has been so long between posts, but the hubs and I have been on a whirlwind trip all over Florida.  We have every intention of moving back to our home state as soon as possible, and went down to look for a house.  We also had some great stops along the way, and got to see my family that I haven't seen in a long time.

Definitely not a good pic of me, but you get the point.

We all have our little good luck charms; our ju-jus. My husband, Vin, and I have been house shopping in Florida this week, and we made a little detour to Orlando to rub on some fertility statues.  I know it sounds funny, and it probably won't help a wink; but we decided that it couldn't hurt to stop by and pay our respects.  

As a matter of fact, my mother touched a fertility statue not long before I was conceived.  On top of that, my best friend (a.k.a my sister) happened to brush against this very statue almost exactly 12 years ago.  Bada-bing... My godson just turned 11 in January.  Bring on the good luck ju-ju.

It's great of Ripley's Orlando to have these statues out in the front lobby.  They honestly believe that they work so well that they leave them readily available to those who will make a pilgramage to Orlando just to see these guys.  If you need a little ju-ju; and happen to be heading towards Orlando, Florida; then it might not hurt to give these guys a little touch.  And since they are in the front lobby, it's free! Oh, and don't forget to have your man rub on the statues as well!  I will definitely let you know if the statue works.

We were only with the statues for a few minutes (hope it was enough), but we were on a time crunch.  We had house shopping to attend to! 

Speaking Out...

It feels good to finally be able to vocalize (for lack of better terms) what I have been feeling.  Sometimes I feel alone in my own emotional turmoil, and no one around who can truly relate to what I'm dealing with.  There is only so much I can express to my family, without feeling guilty for burdening them with my problems.  So, this blog has become my virtual diary, and has really begun to help with my healing.  

Miscarriage and infertility seem to be a taboo topic in this fertile minded world.  We may get a moment of people's pity, but the pregnant women get the lasting recognition from the world.  I don't want to hear "I'm sorry; I guess it just wasn't meant to be." Please don't tell me "It will happen;" "Let go, and Let God;" "It just isn't your time, yet."  I know all of that, but it doesn't make life any easier.  It doesn't make seeing everyone else's pregnancies less painful.  It just makes me frustrated at time passing, and my patience wear even thinner.

I know there are a lot of women out there like me, and I wish we were more vocal.  I want to hear success stories after infertility or loss.  I want to know that there is still hope for me, and for all of us that wish to be mothers.  I WANT TO KNOW THAT I AM NOT ALONE!

Please feel free to comment below.  It's a healing feeling to know that I have others around that can truly empathize with me.  If you have a loss you want to talk about, post it.  If you you have infertility issues, join me.  If you have been trying to conceive, but are still waiting - share it.  If you have dealt with similar situations yet still ended up with a precious little one, PLEASE share your success... give some hope.  

Let's not keep infertility and miscarriage hidden any longer.  It is lonely being in the shadows.  We have a right to share our feelings, just as all the moms share their news.  Maybe if we talk about our losses more, others wouldn't have to hurt so much when they go through similar situations.  SPEAK OUT!