Rising From The Ashes...

Just a quick forward... This post does contain a bit about religion, and even some alternate though... In case you are not comfortable with this topic.

Happy belated Easter to All of the Christians, and Happy Belated Passover to all of the Jewish population; for all the rest that may read this blog... I hope that you are entering the month of April happy and healthy.  For my household, Easter was a quiet event, with a few giggles here and there, that just happened to contain a small epiphany for me. 

This is what had me cracking up.

As I have mentioned before, my husband works out of town.  So, with our recent trip to Florida, it meant that we had to be separated for this holiday weekend.  Hence, the pretty quiet weekend; it was just my Mom, the fur-babies, and me.  Not to mention, the house had a stomach bug (even the animals had upset tummies).  Needless to say, there was a lot of Pinteresting, television, books, and Facebooking going on.  

The fun part of the weekend came early on.  My mother happened to come across quite a funny meme on Pinterest.  It definitely made me laugh.  Nothing like being able to find a bit of humor in a crappy situation!  I also found some great projects that I can't wait to try, as soon as we have a new home to try them on.  On top of it all, I saw some great Easter and inspirational pins on Pinterest... and saw some of them again on Facebook.

Here is a stained glass window
of Jesus and Mary Magdalene
that can be found on the Isle of
Mull in Scotland. Notice the swollen
Belly.

My epiphany came later in the weekend, but at least one came.  I happen to be friends (and not just her "like" page) with my favorite author on Facebook, Kathleen McGowan.  Some of her posts can really bring life into focus for me.  Because of the Easter holiday, she was posting up bits of her book The Expected One on her page, and adding a bit of a more recent perspective to the excerpts.  Kathleen's book is about the relationship and marriage between Mary Magdalene and Jesus.  It is an amazing book, and she has put decades worth of research to her work.  Anyway, she recently lost her husband, Filip (a.k.a. Philip) Coppens, to cancer.  Some may have known Filip from his work on the History Channel's Ancient Aliens.  Kathleen's posts this week had a lot of reflection on better understanding the trials of the Magdalene following the death of Jesus, how Mary had to keep moving forward with her life and spreading the word of her husband; and how Kathleen's own widowhood has affected how she sees her own work.  In simple terms... Life cannot stop after tragedy.  

After seeing Kathleen's posts and thinking about Jesus's Resurrection, it lead me to a new train of though.  Spring.  Spring, like the resurrection, is a time of rebirth.  Plants begin to regrow, animals come out of hibernation, new animals are being born, and life begins anew.  Autumn may be a time of shedding the dead weight and Winter is the time of slumber,  but Spring is the time that the world come back to life after being dormant.  As a phoenix rises from the ashes, so does the Earth come back to life from the cold.  

All of this led me to the thought that this is my time to rise from my own proverbial slumber.  It's time to begin anew.  Every day may be the first day of the rest of our lives, but this weekend is a fine reminder that as a human, with freewill, we always have the ability to pull ourselves up from tragedy.   I know that this thought may seem obvious to most, and I have already told myself that I need to move on.  But, reflecting on the events of Easter has put my emotions and freewill into better perspective.   I know it's not easy, and I know that I will struggle (and I already have been struggling)... but if I don't rise from my own ashes, I may not be able to achieve my dreams.

Once Again, I have no intention to offend anyone with any discussion about religion.  I believe in accepting all people from all cultures and religions.  This is just my beliefs, and my epiphany.  Love to all!

It's The Little Things...

I don't know why, but it's the little things that seem to affect me the most these days.  I'm not crying when I see pictures of newborns (even my new nephew), I'm not in misery when I see a pregnant belly, and I can pretty much deal with all of the "new mom" and "pregnant" posts.  It's the things that may not have anything pregnancy related, or the things I don't expect that are catching off guard me these days.

This is the bittersweet image.

One simple thing that got me today was an image on Pinterest.  I had searched "labyrinth," because I love meditating and praying within them.  Because of my love for these, my husband, Vin,  had said that he would create one for me when we get our house; so I was looking at different designs.  Little did I expect to see an image of a labyrinth done as a womb, and having a baby as the center.  It was a sad image for me; but as I continued to look at it, I found new hope.  For me, I saw a path I must walk before I find my reward waiting for me at the center.  It may be a long path, and I may feel like I am walking the wrong direction; but if the path is still under my feet, then the prize is still at the end of the path.

Another little thing that recently knocked the breath from me were some lyrics that a dear friend of mine tagged me with on Facebook.  My friend posted these Lyrics to me because he was one of just a small handful of people that have been there through each of my pregnancies.  He also happened to be the ONE person I hadn't had the chance to inform of my miscarriage.  My friend posted these lyrics because he felt that they summed up the joy I felt when I had told him we were expecting, again.  The lyrics were from a song called "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri.  Here are some of the lines:

I have died everyday waiting for you!Darlin' don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years! I'll love you for a thousand more!And all along I believed I would find you! Time has brought your heart to me!I have loved you for a thousand yearsI'll love you for a thousand more!

I totally understood why he had posted these lyrics for me, but I also felt my heart skip a beat from the pain.  Then came the hard part of actually telling him about our loss.  I know that one day I will be able to look at these lyrics and feel the joy from them, but for now I can just grit my teeth to the pain.  That pain was ground a little deeper when my husband saw the same post.

My husband, who is the emotional strength of the relationship, is finally breaking his shell about our miscarriages.  Vin has been by my side to wipe and kiss away every tear, made me laugh when I thought it wasn't possible, he has help me through both the emotional and physical pain, and has even carried my weakened  body to the doctor when there were physical complications.  He is one of the most amazing people I know, and sometimes I think he knows me better that I know myself.  I understood that he has suffered with each miscarriage as I have, but I didn't know how much he is still suffering.

My rock, my protector, my love.

Over the last few months, we have been discussing fertility treatments, including IVF.  It was never a top choice for us, because we felt that it might be messing too much with Fate (i.e. God's plan); but recently, we have been weighing that option a bit more.  Well today, Vin brought up wanting to explore that path, and possibly quit trying on our own.  

***As a little side note, my husband works for a construction company that moves around the country.  I used to work at the same company, but took time off when I found out I was pregnant and work was slow, and just haven't had the heart to go back yet.  We are currently separated by a seven hour drive, but I usually spend a month with him and then a month at home.  Well, all of the driving by myself has really been weighing on me (Yeah, I really don't like interstates, especially alone.), and I get a bit cranky when it's about that time to make the drive.  Not to mention, the company is about to expand into a new area, which will put Vin even farther away from home. ***

I was shocked by my husband's statement, and questioned the basis behind his feelings.  He actually admitted how much he has been suffering with me.  As it turns out, each miscarriage  broke his heart (I kind of knew this.), and every subsequent month that we don't get pregnant compounds the pain further (Didn't know this one.).  And as he continued, he explained that he was tired of trying so hard, when we still have not had success; adding that it's only going to be harder as work brings him farther away from home. 

Hearing Vin's misery in feeling like a failure was a breaking point.  I had been getting better, and I assumed (by his usual banter and actions) that he was on the ups as well.  I guess he just masks his pain better than I do.  

We have been through so much struggle during our expanding relationship, but as long as we get though it together and we come out stronger, we will deal with the rocky roads of life.  So, I really don't care what method our children come from, as long as we get to have some.  I guess it's time to sit down, and really decide which path is best for US.

Internet, Gaming, and Social Media! Oh, My...

There is so much technology in the world today! Cell phones, Computers, Gaming Consoles, Tablets, etc., bring us endless entertainment, and many people close together.  My family, like most, is constantly interacting with the world through such methods as Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, XBOX, and so forth.  It keeps us in touch with those we don't get to see all of the time, and meeting people that we might never know through any other means.

Because of technology and social media, my family has new friends all over the world... From Australia to Washington (America).  It's a pretty interesting thing.  All of this technology amazes me!  Though sometimes it's a real pain in my derriere.  Between the people bragging about their lives on one hand and the drama fest on the other, I feel as if I'm constantly bearing witness to a soap opera (Missing All My Children).  It is also the perfect place to either boost one's confidence or drudge up all of your insecurities... depending on the posts you see that day.  I choose to stay pretty quiet with the status updates most of the time, but I do put an occasional complaint or ego boost on my status once in a while.  Recently, Facebook has been a constant reminder of my losses, so I have been trying to avoid it as much as possible.  

A perfect example for why I have been avoiding most interactive social media occurred just yesterday.  I logged on and saw WAY TOO MANY pregnancy posts; from belly pictures and ultrasound photos, to baby name discussions and complaints about babies kicking.  I avoid the parenting boards on various sites so I don't have to read about this stuff, now I'm hiding from Facebook for the exact same reason.  And instead of whining about it on Facebook, I began this blog.  I wanted to save all of my friends from hearing me complain and cause drama.  I wanted somewhere to post my opinion and feelings out into the world, without tying up other peoples home screens.

Another social media site that has become a huge factor for many people is Pinterest.  I think my mother has an addiction to this site!  Every image, every meme, every outfit, every website... you can find it on Pinterest!  Go in, set up your boards, and pin away!  I have found many useful ideas on Pinterest, from how to build a chicken coup to the perfect cheesecake recipe.  I have found many helpful miscarriage blogs and conception after loss websites through Pinterest too.  Another perk is, by searching for specific things, I can avoid baby and pregnancy stuff...unless I am in a mood to see those types of pins.  Rarely can Pinterest put me in a bad mood...It's pretty much my happy place.

One form of technology that I would like to break into tiny pieces, most of the time, is my husband's XBOX.  I think he would play on that machine for at least 16 hours a day if I wasn't there to throw a tantrum.  Without fail, I will try and sneak in a bit of cuddle time, yet there he is... controller in hand, headset on, completely immersed in whatever game he happens to be playing.  Not to mention, just about the time I persuade him to get off of the game, one of his gaming buddies comes along and i have lost him for at least another couple of hours.  The only thing the XBOX is good for is when I want to go shopping, and I don't feel like hearing my husband whine after just 30 minutes at the mall.

I know technology has it's high points, but some days I wish I could just escape to a simpler place.  A place where I do not have to take part in the goings on of the modern world.  Those are the days that I try and sneak away, and indulge my soul into a different time and place; a place that can only be found in a good book.