It's The Little Things...

I don't know why, but it's the little things that seem to affect me the most these days.  I'm not crying when I see pictures of newborns (even my new nephew), I'm not in misery when I see a pregnant belly, and I can pretty much deal with all of the "new mom" and "pregnant" posts.  It's the things that may not have anything pregnancy related, or the things I don't expect that are catching off guard me these days.

This is the bittersweet image.

One simple thing that got me today was an image on Pinterest.  I had searched "labyrinth," because I love meditating and praying within them.  Because of my love for these, my husband, Vin,  had said that he would create one for me when we get our house; so I was looking at different designs.  Little did I expect to see an image of a labyrinth done as a womb, and having a baby as the center.  It was a sad image for me; but as I continued to look at it, I found new hope.  For me, I saw a path I must walk before I find my reward waiting for me at the center.  It may be a long path, and I may feel like I am walking the wrong direction; but if the path is still under my feet, then the prize is still at the end of the path.

Another little thing that recently knocked the breath from me were some lyrics that a dear friend of mine tagged me with on Facebook.  My friend posted these Lyrics to me because he was one of just a small handful of people that have been there through each of my pregnancies.  He also happened to be the ONE person I hadn't had the chance to inform of my miscarriage.  My friend posted these lyrics because he felt that they summed up the joy I felt when I had told him we were expecting, again.  The lyrics were from a song called "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri.  Here are some of the lines:

I have died everyday waiting for you!Darlin' don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years! I'll love you for a thousand more!And all along I believed I would find you! Time has brought your heart to me!I have loved you for a thousand yearsI'll love you for a thousand more!

I totally understood why he had posted these lyrics for me, but I also felt my heart skip a beat from the pain.  Then came the hard part of actually telling him about our loss.  I know that one day I will be able to look at these lyrics and feel the joy from them, but for now I can just grit my teeth to the pain.  That pain was ground a little deeper when my husband saw the same post.

My husband, who is the emotional strength of the relationship, is finally breaking his shell about our miscarriages.  Vin has been by my side to wipe and kiss away every tear, made me laugh when I thought it wasn't possible, he has help me through both the emotional and physical pain, and has even carried my weakened  body to the doctor when there were physical complications.  He is one of the most amazing people I know, and sometimes I think he knows me better that I know myself.  I understood that he has suffered with each miscarriage as I have, but I didn't know how much he is still suffering.

My rock, my protector, my love.

Over the last few months, we have been discussing fertility treatments, including IVF.  It was never a top choice for us, because we felt that it might be messing too much with Fate (i.e. God's plan); but recently, we have been weighing that option a bit more.  Well today, Vin brought up wanting to explore that path, and possibly quit trying on our own.  

***As a little side note, my husband works for a construction company that moves around the country.  I used to work at the same company, but took time off when I found out I was pregnant and work was slow, and just haven't had the heart to go back yet.  We are currently separated by a seven hour drive, but I usually spend a month with him and then a month at home.  Well, all of the driving by myself has really been weighing on me (Yeah, I really don't like interstates, especially alone.), and I get a bit cranky when it's about that time to make the drive.  Not to mention, the company is about to expand into a new area, which will put Vin even farther away from home. ***

I was shocked by my husband's statement, and questioned the basis behind his feelings.  He actually admitted how much he has been suffering with me.  As it turns out, each miscarriage  broke his heart (I kind of knew this.), and every subsequent month that we don't get pregnant compounds the pain further (Didn't know this one.).  And as he continued, he explained that he was tired of trying so hard, when we still have not had success; adding that it's only going to be harder as work brings him farther away from home. 

Hearing Vin's misery in feeling like a failure was a breaking point.  I had been getting better, and I assumed (by his usual banter and actions) that he was on the ups as well.  I guess he just masks his pain better than I do.  

We have been through so much struggle during our expanding relationship, but as long as we get though it together and we come out stronger, we will deal with the rocky roads of life.  So, I really don't care what method our children come from, as long as we get to have some.  I guess it's time to sit down, and really decide which path is best for US.