Miracles Can Happen...

I know it has been a long time since I have posted, but I didn't want to jinx myself and what seemed too good to be true.  But today being  Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, I thought today would be one of the better days to bring some positive energy.  As most of you know, I have been trying to conceive and carry a child for 13 years... well, I am PREGNANT!!!!!!

One of our pregnancy announcements.

The other pregnancy announcement.

Let me first start off by saying that I still feel the pain and grief every day for the angels I have lost.  Today of all days, I am thinking about them. It is hard to believe that they would range in age from 5 years old down to 1 year old. All 4 of my angels are still bittersweet blessings for our family, and we will love them into eternity.... and I do know that I will see them again, one day.

The Proof!

And now onto the GREAT NEWS...Surprisingly, last time I wrote here I was only days away from conceiving our little miracle.  We were told that we had less than a 5% max chance of conceiving without fertility treatment... so we had pretty much sidelined trying to conceive for the time being.  We were atually getting ready to begin foster and adoption training.  The crazy thing is that I knew I was pregnant from almost the moment of implantation.  Before I could even get a pregnancy test to turn positive, I was already having morning sickness and my hormone levels were making me pass out.  I had never really had morning sickness with any of my other pregnancies, and the craziness of this time gave me a bit of hope.

7 wk. Ultrasound

12 wk. Ultrasound

We decided to stay pretty quiet with our news for as long as we could, because as many of you know, you don't want to announce the good news and just a short time later have to break the bad news.  We quietly and cautiously told family and very close friends as we entered our second trimester.   They were thrilled, but were as equally caution to keep our news quiet.

18 wk. Ultrasound

  

2nd Trimester

 As we enter our 3rd trimester, I feel that we can now shout it from the roof tops.  We are due with a baby boy on December 28th, and we are so excited that we can hardly control ourselves. Another miracle of this baby is that he is beyond healthy, and is running ahead of schedule.  We were worried that he may have been like me and run the risk of a congenital heart defect, but even his heart is perfect. 

Beginning 3rd Trimester

Now that we are officially letting the world know, I hope to be able to keep you posted about our little joy!  Though lets not forget the little angels that will always leave with bittersweet tears.
We feel so blessed with our miracle, but we also know that he has 4 amazing guardian angels looking out for him.

To everything, Turn, Turn, Turn...

I know it has been a long time since I have even written.  I feel horrible for not posting anything.  Our family has been going though a lot of turmoil over the last few months, and I am only now getting the ability to get onto here and post.  Time doesn't stop for anyone.  To quote the Bible, and the Bob Dylan / Byrds version... "To everything turn, turn, turn".  I guess I should bring everyone up to speed on some of what has happened over the last few months, though there is still no bun in the oven yet.




First off, right after the new year began, we lost one of my beloved furbabies.  I lost my sweet "Rainman" (movie reference there) of a cat name Wilson.  I had him for over 10 years, and it broke my heart.  He was my special needs boy that had always been sickly, and as the Doc had always said...almost seemed autistic.  Health problems or not, he was my special boy...and I still miss him.  This is a picture of him after two two surgeries, so please ignore the scars on his precious face.


Another incident that occurred  over my hiatus was that I can down with a pretty serious case of shingles.  I gave my family a pretty good scare with that one, though it's not the first time we have been through it.  I seem to have absolutely NO immunity to anything Chicken Pox!  I have had the pox 4 times, and this was my fourth bout with shingles.  Let us just say that I am getting pretty used to it by now, though it did take me several weeks to fully recover.

Eleanor Marie, a.k.a Ella

Jasper James, a.k.a. Jazz

I don't remember if I have posted it before, but last year my family took in two neglected dogs from our neighborhood.  A female Shih Tzu that we have named Eleanor Marie, and a male Lhasa Apso that has earned the formal name of Jasper James.  Yes, we must desperately need kids to name our dogs such human names.  But... what can I say?  These are my babies.  We affectionately call them the "twins," because they came to us together and they are practically inseparable from each other.  They are just what is needed to lighten the mood of this house.  Their comical antics make for a load of laughs here.  

Kit'10

They are not the only additions that our house has made lately.  Right after my precious Wilson passed away, we had a kitten that was kind of thrown into our lap.  Our neighbor's outside cat had a litter of kittens, which only one survived.  Because of the cold weather we have had this winter, we took in the momma and baby during the worst of the weather.  And as you can guess... the kitten never left.  He came at a time where I was grieving my Wilson, and somehow  knew how to console me.  So I am proud to introduce our newest any youngest member of the family...Riley Dickon, but known as kit'10.  My husband had named him after our first miscarriage, since he originally had a twin as well.  Please excuse the location of the picture, but he thinks that he must play lifeguard to anyone taking a bath.

Even more has been occurring in and with our family, but for the sake of their privacy, I will not elaborate on here.  Let me just say that it has been a lot to handle in the span of a few months.  On a positive note, our business seems to finally be getting in some consistent work.  Now that our business is starting to support it's own, I have a mind to look for a different career path... one that can eventually lead my family further south, and closer to the rest of our family.

I swear that I am going to really try to set aside more time to blog.  I would like to open this up to more topics that concern all of us... and branch this out to encompass more than just my pain of infertility / miscarriage, and what happens in my day to day life.  I would like to be able to bring in some guest bloggers to post their stories.  Please comment and let me know what you would like to see here.  Thank you to all who have stuck with me to this point, and I want this blog to start involving you more.  Baby dust to all of you, or your loved ones, that are on the same path that I am on.  See you soon.

One Year Later...

Well, it's been a year since I lost my little Harper.  One year since my third miscarriage, and it will be 3 years on the 31st since the loss of my second miscarriage.  It's not been the easiest road this year.  I have been trying my hardest to let the past go, and move on with the future; but I don't think I am succeeding that well.  Though, I must admit that a lot has changed in the last year. I have opened a business, moved into a new house, inherited two new dogs, and pondered what life's next move is.   

I have realized that I think I am really going through some kind of small depression, and with that an anger and sadness that sometimes gets the better of me.  The whole holiday season has really gotten the better of me.  It's been a trial to see all of the happy little families and their Christmas posts, seeing the more and more pregnancy announcements, and so on.  Some days, I have had to remind myself that more than once life goes on.  Other times, I find myself angry and wanting to lash out at people for no reason, and I am really not that type of person.  I especially feel terrible when the lashing out is focused on my family; the ones that have been through all of this pain with me, and who have been strong for me.  I want to focus my pain at something that might actually be a benefit, which I have been looking into.

I have been looking back to all of the health problems and treatment I have endured since I was first diagnosed with Endometriosis at 16.  I have had 5 laparoscopies to remove the endo, numerous procedures and tests to try and check my fertility status, had my gall bladder removed, bone loss treatments, anemia troubles, gluten troubles, and more rounds of Depot Lupron  than I can count. Looking back at all of these problems, I have been trying to research everything about my condition, and how fertility treatments, like IVF, can help...or not.  

One thing since my endo diagnosis seems to be popping up with almost all of the problems that I have faced in the last 15 years.  The Lupron shots that I was placed on at the age of 17.  I have probably had at least 30 to 45 depot shots in my lifetime, and looking back on my health problems, it seems that many of them started after my first few sessions with Lupron.  My bone loss and digestive problems all started in my early 20s, and have only gotten worse over time.  I lost my gall bladder in 2009, which only seemed to bring on more problems. 

Since looking at all of my health problems, and realizing that most started after my Lupron therapy, I have been researching Lupron and the many problems and side effects.  It seems that most of my problems, including bone loss, gall stones, and eventual gall bladder removal are all tied to Lupron.  

This isn't even to mention the fact that after my decision to completely stop Lupron treatment, my body wouldn't even ovulate for who knows how long.  After the doctors figured out that I wasn't ovulating, they tried using Clomid to encourage ovulation...after 6 months, I still wasn't ovulating and decided to let my body recover on its own (Hence why my first pregnancy was a shocker).  

With all of this new information in my head, I have decided whom I want to be angry with.  The makers of Depot Lupron, and the doctors that insisted that this was the best course of action.  If not for this medication, what shape might my body be in today?  Would I already have healthy children?  Would I have a gall bladder?  Would my body have not been so ransacked and problem ridden if it hadn't been pumped with so many hormones and chemicals?   Based on my research...at least most of these answers would seem to lead to yes.  And because of this...I intend to speak to a lawyer as soon as possible.  

I am normally a person that feels that there are too many lawsuits in the world, but in this instance I think it might be different.  If this company had given clearer warnings of its side effects, I don't think that my mother or I would have even considered this treatment.  I would have much rather endured more surgeries, etc... than to suffer such painful losses and health issues.

So, on this one year anniversary of the loss of my precious Harper, I am making my resolution to take on Depot Lupron.  For the life I might have had, for my babies I lost, and for the hope of preventing more women from suffering all of the horrible side effects that come with this drug.  If you have taken Lupron, or know someone who has, and have had bad repercussions from the drug...please feel free to let me know.  Or if you stumble onto some valuable websites that I may not have found, please share them with me.

P.S. My other New Year's Resolution is to post here more often.  And thanks for still checking in, even while I have been absent, and going though this funk.  I hope everyone has had a good holiday season, and we all have a great 2014.

And Time Keeps Passing...

I know it's been a while since I have last posted, but I have been trying to keep my mind from painful thoughts.  I have driven myself into my work, and in the interim I have been numbing my mind with catching up on various television shows that I had fallen behind on.  I have been doing everything possible to keep my mind from straying to the fact that my baby, my sweet little Harper, would have been born at any time in the next few weeks.  But time keeps passing, and even though the pain had eased for a while, it seems to be back with a vengeance.  

My precious little baby girl would be considered full term by now, and I should have been in full preparation mode for her arrival... but instead, I am mourning her, and my other babies all over again.  I am still trying to conceive on my own again, and and nothing happens.  I don't even feel like trying anymore.  

I still wish to pursue IVF, but that takes money that isn't available for us right now.  So, I seem to be at a stalemate.  No baby without IVF, and no money to have IVF.  Maybe I am to be relegated to the never a mother group.  Maybe my family's lineage is to end with me.  If that is the way it is to be, then I have a lot that will need to be reevaluated in my life.  

All I have ever really wanted to be was a mother... everything else I ever wanted revolved around that, or was icing on the cake to parenthood.  What will my life become, if it is not to be a mother?  All I can hope for is that fate still has a plan for me to be a mother.

I feel as if my life is in limbo, waiting to know what fate will hold for me.  Raising a family, or being childless.  All the while morning the angels that I have lost.  I feel myself slipping further, and I know I must fight the pain.  I must fight to be the person I am meant to be, with or without children, but how to do that is the question.  And time keeps passing,  and I cannot slow it down, let alone stop it.

Decisions and Collateral Damage...

I feel terrible that I have been away from the blog for so long, but as I've said before (and I will probably say again) life sometimes gets in the way of doing what you want to do.  Please know that I will not abandon my blog without announcing it to the world.  Recently, life has been coming at me from all angles.  Job problems and opportunities have arisen,  family strife has occurred, and through all of this , decisions for my life must be made.

My husband was supposed to leave for work a week ago, but I had an intuition that he needed to wait.  We want to pursue IVF, so we can't afford to loose money where work is involved.  If we loose money, that is the longer we have to wait before we can really try and start our family.  It turned out to be a decent call.  Pricing within our business hasn't gone up enough, so we are waiting on a call back from the boss to help to determine where we will go from here.

Since I asked him to hold off on going back to work, I was able to explore some possible career opportunities for myself... which might better us in the long run.  We lost the bid on the house that we wanted to buy in central Florida, so we have been looking into new areas to move.  I happened to get a job interview that is farther away from my family, but blessedly still in Florida.  I wasn't offered the permanent position, but as a substitute with a good possibility for a regular position the following year.  A decision that I am still working.

While we were in Florida for my job interview, we were able to stop by and see some of Vin's family and friends.  It was the first time I have had the chance to meet them, and it was definitely an eye opening experience to see where the hub's has come from and why he is who he is.  By mutual decision, we decided to keep our trip into Florida quiet, because there were other relatives that we weren't keen on seeing.  We know that these people will soon find out that we were within miles of them, and there will be anger and complaints from several sides... but it is our freewill to avoid those people in our lives that cause only trouble and heartache.  Collateral damage happens, and you have to be prepared to live with the outcomes of those choices... and we are.

To add one more positive for keeping the hubby home is that there happens to be an infertility seminar that we are going to be attending in 12 more hours.  It will really give us a chance to ask questions about our fertility options, and get a lot more answers.  On top of it all, they will be giving away a chance for a free IVF cycle. I know it's a small shot, but what do we have to lose!

I hate to bring up past decisions, but this one has given me the most pain and collateral damage that I have experienced in a while.  As I have said, it been a slow healing process since my miscarriage, and though I am  getting better... it can still be a struggle every day.  A decision I chose to make when Vin and I went to visit my family in Ft. Lauderdale last month has caused a bit of strife in my family.  I made a decision to not see a member of my family that had recently announced that she was pregnant.  I tried to explain to the rest of the family that I was not in a healthy enough mental state to be around ANYONE that is pregnant, and to please excuse and explain my choice to that member of the family.  I didn't want to feel the pain of my miscarriage by being around her, and I also did not want to lash out in pain and upset her.  I even sent a gift to try and make up for my absence.  I had to make a decision that saved myself from pain, and I still stand by that decision.  

Well, she has since de-friended me on Facebook, and was even uncivil to my mother over it.  She said that I was rude for avoiding her, and that my "circumstances" weren't  excuse enough.  In addition, she did this on Facebook  where I was unable to defend my position.  Let me add that she never bothers to contact me... ever, let alone to make an effort to see me while I was in town. It's not like I had intentions of avoiding her forever, but I was definitely not in a good enough place to put myself in such a painful position.  The backlash from this drama has the potential to cause enough collateral damage to tear apart a family.  I'm sorry if it happens, and I will try to fix as much as I can.  I will say that I am sorry that I hurt her feelings, but I will not apologize for actually putting my own well being first  for once in my life. 

We are all human; born with freewill to make our own accomplishment and mistakes in our lives.  There might be positive outcomes or terrible collateral damage that comes from the choices we make in life. Those who are wise will learn from those decisions and mistakes. Some choices you might regret and some you won't; and sometimes you have to stand by your decision.  Brace yourself, and take the collateral damage that comes.  For me, I will deal with my past, but for the moment I will focus on the decisions that will hopefully lead me to creating our own family.

Sometimes Music Gets You Through...

It's been a bit of a stressful week in my household.  As the saying goes, it always seems that when it rains, it pours; and it has been pouring, both figuratively and literally at my house.  Between preparing taxes, trying to buy a new house, Vin's work moving locations, changing health insurance, horrible weather, and the normal craziness that occurs; we've been a bit overwhelmed as of lately.  So what do I do when I am getting too stresses?  Listen to music.

I grew up in a household where music was a way of life.  My mother clung to her older "hippie music" as I called it, and my father was a Disc Jockey.  Instead of traditional stories and lullabies, I was told about the Beatles and Journey, and sung songs like "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" and "Mighty Quinn."  My parents had a deep love for lyrics and melodies, and I inherited that trait. Because of their tutelage, I found my own love of and expression through music.

Sometimes music really does get you through the rough patches.  I am a firm believer that once in a while you just need to put the headphones on, turn up the music, and let the emotions flow.  Whether it be sitting there crying to sad songs, or dancing around the room to a hit; it helps to express your feelings.  And there is always the right song for every mood!

During my miscarriage, I balled my eyes out to the Fray a LOT!  "You Found Me" held a lot of meaning for me.  I was begging my baby to hang on and find me.  I still well up when this song comes on my playlist, but even though I still get a bit emotional with this song... it's good.  Mayday Parade also helped during those early days, whether it was crying to "Walk On Water Or Drown," or trying to cheer myself up with "Jamie All Over" which happens to be one of Hub's and my songs.

Now that I am at least to the anger part of the healing, I am leaning more towards a bit harder forms of rock.  Some big ones on my playlist right now are Three Days Grace (3DG), Breaking Benjamin (BB), and Imagine Dragons.  I have always loved 3DG; so many of their songs hold meaning for me, and they always help me get my aggression out.  So many times, I have found the words to express my emotions through 3DG.

Now some my laugh at me,  but Breaking Benjamin's "Diary of Jane" has always been a special song of mine.  My husband used to say that this was his song to me when I was keeping him in the "friend zone," but now we have found a new meaning for this song. Our new interpretation to this song has become trying to have that Child, to be in that "diary."  If you know this song, you can see our meaning.  Always struggling, never getting in.

Finally, another band that has recently caught my ear is Imagine Dragons.  "Radioactive" has newly become my personal battle cry for my loss.  If you haven't heard it... listen to it.  The lyrics discuss waking up to "ash and dust,"  how this must be an apocalypse, and revolution against it.  For some reason, this completely describes how I am getting through since waking up after having to go through my D&C.  I woke up to a different world, in my own "apocalypse," and that with everything that has change for the worse... I am on my own revolution, and I will fight for my dreams.

With all the stress life has brought on lately, stress has been a close companion.  Thank God my MP3 player and headphones have been there too.  I would be in a lot fouler of a mood if it weren't for my music.  If you feel up to it, let me know what music speaks to you.

Beating The Baby Blues...

Here is my continuation of my accidentally deleted post from last week.  I promise to never let that happen again...

As noted in my last post, I recently spent a week in Florida.  It was mainly a house hunting trip, but I also got to spend time with family and friends that I hadn't seen in a while.  I was able to keep busy, and found many distractions to beat the baby blues.

The first three days of our trip were spent house hunting in Central Florida.  Lots of driving around and getting lost, but Vin and I think we found our perfect home.  The best perks of the house have to be location, neighbors, and most of all the low price.  It is a fixer upper, but we are up for the challenge.  One of the highlights of our time spent in Central Florida was the peaceful atmosphere in the lakes area, which gave us time to relax.  Thanks to my Aunt and Uncle for letting us stay in their lake house while we were there!

After house hunting, the hubs and I proceeded south to see our friends and family in Fort Lauderdale (FtL).  We started our first afternoon in town with a quick trip to my cousin's, and then having a nice dinner with my former stepmother.  It had been years since I had seen either of these family members, and I was glad to have the time to catch up.  Our night ended with a quick hug for my dad, and an early night to bed.

I love being on the water!

Our second day in FtL was spent at one of my favorite places in South Florida...Sawgrass Mills Mall!  Vin would have been miserable there, except he found an entire store of his favorite brand...Hurley!  The hubs found his clothing heaven.  I should have gotten a picture, but I didn't.  Once we shopped til we dropped, we met up with my dad for a boat ride, and dinner on the water.  I always forget how much of the sea is in my veins, until I get on a boat.  Dinner was also a definite high point.  Vin decided to attempt the burger challenge that the restaurant had, a whole pound and a half hamburger and a large side of fries, and he conquered it...with an agonizing effort.  I must say, if you are ever visiting South Florida, make a stop at the Downtowner... they have some tasty food. And since we took a boat to dinner, it meant a boat ride home... My Dad was definitely worried about the cleanliness of his boat with the Hub's full stomach!  But my dad forgets, that like us, Vin grew up on the water in Florida.

Missing that Pineapple Drink!
What a goofy Face, Vin!

 Our third day was a Friday, so we were in total TGIF mode.  I was feeling great by this point because I hadn't been on Facebook in days (so I wasn't seeing baby announcements), we were staying busy, and we were having fun... which all lead to not thinking about my miscarriage or obsessively trying to conceive.  Vin wanted to take a drive, so we rode along A1A (for those that don't know, it rides along the beach).  I was able to show him things from my past, and we had a good time.  While driving, we made the decision to go to happy hour at a long honored establishment in FtL, the Mai-Kai.  So we did a quick shop for appropriate clothing, and called and invited my cousin.

Boy, the beach was windy!
 

The Mai-Kai has a long history in FtL, and in my family.  It was one of the places to see and be seen from it's opening in the 50s or 60s until the early 80s.  Many celebrities have visited (Like Jerry Lewis and the Prince of Monaco), and my family got to meet them all. My grandmother was the gift shop manager, and most of my family worked there at one point in time or another.  My parents even got married in the Mai-Kai's gardens.  Now though, it's a bit run down and feels like a time warp, but I hadn't ever been there and really wanted to see it for myself.  The start to the Mai-Kai was a bit bad, the host gave us some issues about our out of state identifications, but we still managed to have fun.  We had our drinks (which I am still craving another), walked the gardens, and giggled about the atmosphere.  This is another place that should be seen, even if just for a chuckle.  We finished off the night with a walk on the beach, and hanging out at my cousin's house.  

Ren Fest!!!

I know it will sound dorky to some, but Saturday was spent at the Florida Renaissance Festival with the hubs, my cousin, and her husband.  We have always had fun at Ren Faires, and this day was no exception.  The cider, mead, and beer were tasty; the costumes were awesome (though we went in modern attire this time); the shows were hysterical; and a good time was had by all.  Though everyone needed a rest after the walking.  Vin had been wanting to go to a Dave & Busters for a while now, and with $50 that was magically found in a drawer of a curio that my grandmother left me (Thanks Grandma! Even though you are not with me, you're still looking out for me!), we spent our evening at D&B.  To anyone who doesn't know what a D&B is... It's a restaurant with a huge arcade in it, a.k.a. an over sized Chuck E. Cheese.  I know the hubs had fun, and I had a good time watching him.  My favorite part of the night had to be our midnight dinner at a little diner, and thanks to the stupid American daylight Savings time change...we didn't get home until 3 am.  It was TOTALLY worth it.

Yeah, I know I look like my Dad...

Sunday was our final day in town, and we began it by spending time with my Dad while we set up for my stepmother's surprise birthday party.  After setting up, we ran some errands, and said our goodbyes to my cousin.  Vin and I made it back to my Dad's in time to make a casually late entrance to the party.  One highlight to the party, I FINALLY got to meet two out of three of my step brothers.  I also got to meet my step sister-in-law, which was bittersweet.  She is another woman who has been through miscarriage, one just a couple of months ago, but she also has a son that would be right about the same age as my second pregnancy loss.  As I said, it was bittersweet... but at least the party was a hit, and my step mom was happy.  As soon as the party was over at around 7 or 8 at night, Vin and I hit the sac.  He had a 7 AM flight out of Orlando to go back to work, and that meant that we had a 4 hour drive to Orlando to make in the middle of the night.  At least it gave us plenty of time to chit-chat on the road.

The trip really helped my emotional state, and has truly improved my mood.  I still feel the twinges, but they seem to be easier to deal with at the moment.  I totally recommend taking a trip to anyone needing to escape the baby blues.  Even if it's only temporary, it helps.  Now, I just need to work on getting everything in order to buy our house.  Wish me luck.