One Year Later...

Well, it's been a year since I lost my little Harper.  One year since my third miscarriage, and it will be 3 years on the 31st since the loss of my second miscarriage.  It's not been the easiest road this year.  I have been trying my hardest to let the past go, and move on with the future; but I don't think I am succeeding that well.  Though, I must admit that a lot has changed in the last year. I have opened a business, moved into a new house, inherited two new dogs, and pondered what life's next move is.   

I have realized that I think I am really going through some kind of small depression, and with that an anger and sadness that sometimes gets the better of me.  The whole holiday season has really gotten the better of me.  It's been a trial to see all of the happy little families and their Christmas posts, seeing the more and more pregnancy announcements, and so on.  Some days, I have had to remind myself that more than once life goes on.  Other times, I find myself angry and wanting to lash out at people for no reason, and I am really not that type of person.  I especially feel terrible when the lashing out is focused on my family; the ones that have been through all of this pain with me, and who have been strong for me.  I want to focus my pain at something that might actually be a benefit, which I have been looking into.

I have been looking back to all of the health problems and treatment I have endured since I was first diagnosed with Endometriosis at 16.  I have had 5 laparoscopies to remove the endo, numerous procedures and tests to try and check my fertility status, had my gall bladder removed, bone loss treatments, anemia troubles, gluten troubles, and more rounds of Depot Lupron  than I can count. Looking back at all of these problems, I have been trying to research everything about my condition, and how fertility treatments, like IVF, can help...or not.  

One thing since my endo diagnosis seems to be popping up with almost all of the problems that I have faced in the last 15 years.  The Lupron shots that I was placed on at the age of 17.  I have probably had at least 30 to 45 depot shots in my lifetime, and looking back on my health problems, it seems that many of them started after my first few sessions with Lupron.  My bone loss and digestive problems all started in my early 20s, and have only gotten worse over time.  I lost my gall bladder in 2009, which only seemed to bring on more problems. 

Since looking at all of my health problems, and realizing that most started after my Lupron therapy, I have been researching Lupron and the many problems and side effects.  It seems that most of my problems, including bone loss, gall stones, and eventual gall bladder removal are all tied to Lupron.  

This isn't even to mention the fact that after my decision to completely stop Lupron treatment, my body wouldn't even ovulate for who knows how long.  After the doctors figured out that I wasn't ovulating, they tried using Clomid to encourage ovulation...after 6 months, I still wasn't ovulating and decided to let my body recover on its own (Hence why my first pregnancy was a shocker).  

With all of this new information in my head, I have decided whom I want to be angry with.  The makers of Depot Lupron, and the doctors that insisted that this was the best course of action.  If not for this medication, what shape might my body be in today?  Would I already have healthy children?  Would I have a gall bladder?  Would my body have not been so ransacked and problem ridden if it hadn't been pumped with so many hormones and chemicals?   Based on my research...at least most of these answers would seem to lead to yes.  And because of this...I intend to speak to a lawyer as soon as possible.  

I am normally a person that feels that there are too many lawsuits in the world, but in this instance I think it might be different.  If this company had given clearer warnings of its side effects, I don't think that my mother or I would have even considered this treatment.  I would have much rather endured more surgeries, etc... than to suffer such painful losses and health issues.

So, on this one year anniversary of the loss of my precious Harper, I am making my resolution to take on Depot Lupron.  For the life I might have had, for my babies I lost, and for the hope of preventing more women from suffering all of the horrible side effects that come with this drug.  If you have taken Lupron, or know someone who has, and have had bad repercussions from the drug...please feel free to let me know.  Or if you stumble onto some valuable websites that I may not have found, please share them with me.

P.S. My other New Year's Resolution is to post here more often.  And thanks for still checking in, even while I have been absent, and going though this funk.  I hope everyone has had a good holiday season, and we all have a great 2014.

Trying Not To Miss My Winged Babies Too Much...

I know it's been a good while since I have written, again.  I have kept myself as busy as possible this summer.  I haven't wanted to let myself think too much on the negative. So, I have been throwing myself head first into helping my husband open his own business.  I admit that it has helped me to keep my mind from straying to sad things most of the time, but it hasn't worked 100% of the time.  In those times that keeping busy hasn't kept my mind from wandering, I have realized that all of the babies that were conceived around the time of my little Harper are now born.  

Knowing that my baby should be in my arms now hurts, and I miss her as much today as I did the day I had to say goodbye.  It also makes me miss my other sweet angels.  I can only hope that they know how much I miss and love them, and that I always will.  They were loved and wanted from before they were even conceived.  At least they have the comfort in each other, since they weren't able to be with me.  And I can hope and pray that at least one or two of them are given the chance to try and come back to me in this life.  Until then, I will throw myself into my husband and our business.

Opening a business from scratch has been an exciting, albeit trying, time in my life.  Even though I studied some business in College (University), I didn't realize how many hoops a person must jump through just to open the doors.  There is so much paperwork, licenses, accounting, purchasing, etc. that sometimes I lose track of what needs to be done next.  All I can say is that it will all be worth it once we are open for business, and making it truly successful will open up a whole new world for our family.  Making a successful business will allow us to really start to pursue IVF, buy our dream house, be closer to our family members, and so much more.

So here I go; back into paperwork and projects.  Wish us luck, and pray that we find success.  I will get these doors open, and try not to focus on missing my winged babies too much.

And Time Keeps Passing...

I know it's been a while since I have last posted, but I have been trying to keep my mind from painful thoughts.  I have driven myself into my work, and in the interim I have been numbing my mind with catching up on various television shows that I had fallen behind on.  I have been doing everything possible to keep my mind from straying to the fact that my baby, my sweet little Harper, would have been born at any time in the next few weeks.  But time keeps passing, and even though the pain had eased for a while, it seems to be back with a vengeance.  

My precious little baby girl would be considered full term by now, and I should have been in full preparation mode for her arrival... but instead, I am mourning her, and my other babies all over again.  I am still trying to conceive on my own again, and and nothing happens.  I don't even feel like trying anymore.  

I still wish to pursue IVF, but that takes money that isn't available for us right now.  So, I seem to be at a stalemate.  No baby without IVF, and no money to have IVF.  Maybe I am to be relegated to the never a mother group.  Maybe my family's lineage is to end with me.  If that is the way it is to be, then I have a lot that will need to be reevaluated in my life.  

All I have ever really wanted to be was a mother... everything else I ever wanted revolved around that, or was icing on the cake to parenthood.  What will my life become, if it is not to be a mother?  All I can hope for is that fate still has a plan for me to be a mother.

I feel as if my life is in limbo, waiting to know what fate will hold for me.  Raising a family, or being childless.  All the while morning the angels that I have lost.  I feel myself slipping further, and I know I must fight the pain.  I must fight to be the person I am meant to be, with or without children, but how to do that is the question.  And time keeps passing,  and I cannot slow it down, let alone stop it.

Decisions and Collateral Damage...

I feel terrible that I have been away from the blog for so long, but as I've said before (and I will probably say again) life sometimes gets in the way of doing what you want to do.  Please know that I will not abandon my blog without announcing it to the world.  Recently, life has been coming at me from all angles.  Job problems and opportunities have arisen,  family strife has occurred, and through all of this , decisions for my life must be made.

My husband was supposed to leave for work a week ago, but I had an intuition that he needed to wait.  We want to pursue IVF, so we can't afford to loose money where work is involved.  If we loose money, that is the longer we have to wait before we can really try and start our family.  It turned out to be a decent call.  Pricing within our business hasn't gone up enough, so we are waiting on a call back from the boss to help to determine where we will go from here.

Since I asked him to hold off on going back to work, I was able to explore some possible career opportunities for myself... which might better us in the long run.  We lost the bid on the house that we wanted to buy in central Florida, so we have been looking into new areas to move.  I happened to get a job interview that is farther away from my family, but blessedly still in Florida.  I wasn't offered the permanent position, but as a substitute with a good possibility for a regular position the following year.  A decision that I am still working.

While we were in Florida for my job interview, we were able to stop by and see some of Vin's family and friends.  It was the first time I have had the chance to meet them, and it was definitely an eye opening experience to see where the hub's has come from and why he is who he is.  By mutual decision, we decided to keep our trip into Florida quiet, because there were other relatives that we weren't keen on seeing.  We know that these people will soon find out that we were within miles of them, and there will be anger and complaints from several sides... but it is our freewill to avoid those people in our lives that cause only trouble and heartache.  Collateral damage happens, and you have to be prepared to live with the outcomes of those choices... and we are.

To add one more positive for keeping the hubby home is that there happens to be an infertility seminar that we are going to be attending in 12 more hours.  It will really give us a chance to ask questions about our fertility options, and get a lot more answers.  On top of it all, they will be giving away a chance for a free IVF cycle. I know it's a small shot, but what do we have to lose!

I hate to bring up past decisions, but this one has given me the most pain and collateral damage that I have experienced in a while.  As I have said, it been a slow healing process since my miscarriage, and though I am  getting better... it can still be a struggle every day.  A decision I chose to make when Vin and I went to visit my family in Ft. Lauderdale last month has caused a bit of strife in my family.  I made a decision to not see a member of my family that had recently announced that she was pregnant.  I tried to explain to the rest of the family that I was not in a healthy enough mental state to be around ANYONE that is pregnant, and to please excuse and explain my choice to that member of the family.  I didn't want to feel the pain of my miscarriage by being around her, and I also did not want to lash out in pain and upset her.  I even sent a gift to try and make up for my absence.  I had to make a decision that saved myself from pain, and I still stand by that decision.  

Well, she has since de-friended me on Facebook, and was even uncivil to my mother over it.  She said that I was rude for avoiding her, and that my "circumstances" weren't  excuse enough.  In addition, she did this on Facebook  where I was unable to defend my position.  Let me add that she never bothers to contact me... ever, let alone to make an effort to see me while I was in town. It's not like I had intentions of avoiding her forever, but I was definitely not in a good enough place to put myself in such a painful position.  The backlash from this drama has the potential to cause enough collateral damage to tear apart a family.  I'm sorry if it happens, and I will try to fix as much as I can.  I will say that I am sorry that I hurt her feelings, but I will not apologize for actually putting my own well being first  for once in my life. 

We are all human; born with freewill to make our own accomplishment and mistakes in our lives.  There might be positive outcomes or terrible collateral damage that comes from the choices we make in life. Those who are wise will learn from those decisions and mistakes. Some choices you might regret and some you won't; and sometimes you have to stand by your decision.  Brace yourself, and take the collateral damage that comes.  For me, I will deal with my past, but for the moment I will focus on the decisions that will hopefully lead me to creating our own family.