And Time Keeps Passing...

I know it's been a while since I have last posted, but I have been trying to keep my mind from painful thoughts.  I have driven myself into my work, and in the interim I have been numbing my mind with catching up on various television shows that I had fallen behind on.  I have been doing everything possible to keep my mind from straying to the fact that my baby, my sweet little Harper, would have been born at any time in the next few weeks.  But time keeps passing, and even though the pain had eased for a while, it seems to be back with a vengeance.  

My precious little baby girl would be considered full term by now, and I should have been in full preparation mode for her arrival... but instead, I am mourning her, and my other babies all over again.  I am still trying to conceive on my own again, and and nothing happens.  I don't even feel like trying anymore.  

I still wish to pursue IVF, but that takes money that isn't available for us right now.  So, I seem to be at a stalemate.  No baby without IVF, and no money to have IVF.  Maybe I am to be relegated to the never a mother group.  Maybe my family's lineage is to end with me.  If that is the way it is to be, then I have a lot that will need to be reevaluated in my life.  

All I have ever really wanted to be was a mother... everything else I ever wanted revolved around that, or was icing on the cake to parenthood.  What will my life become, if it is not to be a mother?  All I can hope for is that fate still has a plan for me to be a mother.

I feel as if my life is in limbo, waiting to know what fate will hold for me.  Raising a family, or being childless.  All the while morning the angels that I have lost.  I feel myself slipping further, and I know I must fight the pain.  I must fight to be the person I am meant to be, with or without children, but how to do that is the question.  And time keeps passing,  and I cannot slow it down, let alone stop it.