Counting the Days...

Anyone who has been through the Trying To Conceive (TTC) life knows how many methods there are.  You can go with Basal Body Temping (BBT), Sperm Meets Egg Plan (SMEP), Just going at it like crazy between Aunt Flow's visits, iPhone and Android Apps, and so on and so forth.  There are as many fertility methods as there are opinions on politics.  It all comes down to counting the days, and / or checking the hormone levels.

 I have been using a Clear Blue Fertility Monitor (CBFM) for just over a year.  I use it because it's simple and I can do it half asleep, and honestly put...I am NOT a morning person.  Ask my husband, I am one that doesn't like to be rushed or bothered for the first 30 minutes that I am pseudo-awake.  My CBFM is easy enough to zombie walk to the bathroom, grab a stick, do my business (I know, TMI), stick it in the monitor, and go back to bed.  I let my husband check the monitor results though... This way I don't just walk up and say "Time to try and make a baby."  It gives him the ability to know that the ball is in his court, that I am not just using him as a sperm donor, and romance can stay somewhat preserved.  It's funny though... the month that we got pregnant, we didn't even use the monitor.  We kept forgetting to buy a new box of test sticks, so we guesstimated.  

Back to the original point of this post though... I constantly feel like I'm counting the days of my life, and I restart every 28 days.  The first several days of the count waiting patiently to see my monitor go from low to high, and the next few days acting like rabbits, and then the dreaded Two Week Wait (TWW).  

I despise the approximately 14 days from ovulation to Aunt Flow.  You hope, pray, beg, plead, light candles, rub all of your troll dolls, do the hokey pokey, and all the little superstitious tidbits that might POSSIBLY help conception along. You question every strange sensation your body has, wondering if it might mean that this month was the lucky month or if the Chinese takeout and ice cream  (not to mention the large slice of cheesecake) were a bad combo.  You do everything in your power not to get your hopes up, yet somehow they always do.

After all the bunny rabbit action and the superstitions, you find yourself in the last days of the wait.  You want to go ahead and break out a pregnancy test... but you don't, because you don't want to see bad news. So you steel your determination, a.k.a let your husband hide the stash of pregnancy tests, and resolve yourself to the wait.  And you know what normally happens...

Aunt Flow brings her ugly butt around, and the feeling of defeat sets in.  I honestly hate to admit this, but I cannot tell you how many months I have found myself curled up in bed crying over another month of knowing that  "this means another month I have to wait to try and become a mommy."  It's painful! It's painful for those with fertility issues, and it's painful for those who are TTC after a loss.  I've been in both shoes, and both suck.  

After my three losses, it has become almost unbearable. For me, every time my monthly cycle comes, I hurt for my lost babies even more.  I long for a healthy baby to help repair the void that my miscarriages have left in me.  I know a healthy baby will never eliminate the hurt, but it would definitely help to numb the hole.  I honestly feel sorry for my loved ones, especially my husband and my mother, for the mood I end up in every month.  They have found me curled up in bed just weeping, and a few hours later I'm so angry (from the pain) that I could burst.  I know I can be quite impossible to be around during these times; but I am so grateful for their support, and I know they (probably) feel the the same loss too.

Now I think it's time to put the sadness and anger aside for this month.  So ends day two of my 28 day count...  I can only hope that on this cycle's 28th day, I can start counting to 40 weeks instead.